retail therapy and ebay woes

It's July already and I am feeling a little stuck in time. I had hoped to have so much more accomplished by now, but I know what happened and why. Without giving too much away, I became seriously sidetracked by an idea and I am amazed at how the situation in my silly-head parallels the situation in June 2007. Maybe I should start catching up on my astrology, something emotional, romantic and insane must be going on with the planets for me when Summer hits!! Words are so powerful. If not for a compliment given to me in a sequence of 16 words, my head would be relatively clear right now. I suppose I am easily flattered when it comes in bold form.

I have been humbled by selling on ebay. I rarely sell on my ebay account. But I became overly ambitious one day two weeks ago as my youngest son's 2nd birthday loomed and I decided to immediately clear away some baby gear by way of ebay auctions. I listed 8 items in one day, while basically placing the kids in front of Disney DVD's and Noggin all day! The house was a mess...okay, well more of a mess than normal. I believe that on that day, I picked up fast food for two meals. Anyway, it was not something I will take on in that way again. Silly me, I didn't realize that USPS shipping costs on large items like an exersaucer is ridiculously expensive. I underestimated the shipping cost, or actually, the dimensions of the box (which I hadn't even found yet). Well, after buying an $8 box, I realized that USPS was not going to work and that I basically could not afford to sell the item to the buyer afterall. I sent her a refund and an apology, with a humble offer to continue with the sale if I could charge her to ship the thing via DHL...which was a great deal on DH's business account, but still twice as much as the buyer was quoted. The buyer still wanted the item, so she paid again with the new amount and I sent it with DH the next business day and it's outta my hair! Now I wait for her to tarnish my rep with some negative feedback. Even though she got this thing for a STEAL! I later find tons of people locally on craigslist who are asking upwards of $50 for this particular exersaucer. I sold it for $12...minus the flippin' $8 BOX!!!!

The good news is, all the other items were shipped within my shipping estimations and a few items sold for better than expected. All in all, I think I made out better than I would have in a garage sale. But the whole shipping mess with all of it was a mess I don't want to do anymore. I will be listing really big items like carseat, stroller and pack-n-play on craigslist, priced to sell. I am seriously tempted to just haul it all to Goodwill as it's just 1/2 mile from my home, but I could use the extra cash.

I am on a mission for black strappy heeled sandals. I realized last month, while dressing nice for an anniversary date, that I had NO black heeled sandals! I donated my old ones probably last Fall. They were hard to part with, as they were adorable and had been such the go-to shoe for so long. I hadn't bought any other black strappies because I hadn't needed anything else! But they were worn, the weather was cold, I rarely go out, so I told myself to let them go and I would be on the lookout for another pair. Then I completely forgot. I have to buy the BEST ones out there, so I went to zappos.com and a few other sites and now have a list of about 5 that were perfect enough to choose from. I also checked out places I never shop, like Ross, Marshalls and TJMaxx, because DH had the kids one afternoon. I didn't find perfect black strappies, but I did find perfect casual brown leather flips and a brown leather pair of wedges.

Then on a whim, after taking ANOTHER look at these fabulous shoes that were being showcased on a blog, I drank a glass of wine and suddenly I just HAD to buy the last pair in my size of powder blue platform stiletto peep-toes at 6pm.com for 1/2 of original retail. I LOVE THEM, but I truly have nowhere to wear them appropriately and nothing that really goes with them. Still, they are beautiful and sexy and bold and they make me happy to look at and imagine myself out in public in them. I'll be 6 inches taller, which I remember from earlier days is an eye-opening experience to little me, a 5'3 girl who generally doesn't have a reason to wear heels anymore.

So what have I learned this summer? That decluttering 4 years of accumulation doesn't happen in a month unless you truly just haul it away in a truck. This process is going to take a while, the whole ebay experience is bittersweet because it did feel awesome to rid myself of a few big items, but the process took time away from my kids and took quite a bit of energy from myself. Babysteps are the way to go. Now, if I could just allow myself to have patience and let go of the crash and burn ambition that seems to come over me in cycles.

~Peace

BO's and SHE's

I love acronyms and slang. Such an inner circle thing! This week I have been back on the FlyLady wagon. Keeping my sink shining every night, emptying the dishwasher every morning, doing at least one load of laundry every day. My DH, much less D lately than he should be, is pretty organized, but only aesthetically, if you pull the furniture out, he leaves dustbunnies behind. I want clean and organized, but will only do it if it's done right! See, I am a perfectionist, if I don't have time to do the chore, or all the chores at one time, perfectly, then I become overwhelmed and I procrastinate. This spills over into other aspects of my life. Um, could be why I am still trying to finish college? DH is a BO (Born Organized, thanks FlyLady.net), so he cannot possibly understand why I am this way or explain to me how he is motivated to purposefully work, work, work, do, do, do even if the results aren't perfect. He is also one of the most unimaginative men I know. Perhaps the exact polar opposite of Nart. BO's do not know why they flit around from thing to thing putting things back here and there, they might claim that their parents taught them so, but how does that explain when a sibling doesn't live by the same rules? BO's cannot teach people like me. This brain doesn't re-wire itself overnight just because a BO called me lazy and unmotivated.

Anyway, thanks to FlyLady's inspirational writing (I have known about FlyLady since 2001 and am just now getting serious about it) I have discovered that I am possibly a SHE (sidetracked home executive), I can't get anything done, because when I want to do it, I want to do it all at once. I am learning to take baby steps and create new habits gradually and patiently. My home isn't really that terribly cluttered, but following these guidelines is HARD! So I have been shining the sink every morning (the first steps) and using a timer set for 15 minute intervals to address the kitchen, then the living room, then back to the kitchen, then a 15 min. break. It really works! I got much accomplished in just 45 minutes, who knew?? But yesterday, I got ambitious with the urge to reorganize the cabinet full of cosmetics underneath my sink. I didn't set a timer, I just worked on it while the kids were asleep. I got mostly through, but my project is in limbo until DH brings our label maker back home from the office. Instead of putting the basket of newly organized makeup bags back underneath the sink, I left them out...out of the fear that if I put them away, the same cluttering effect will occur. Madness!

So, here I am blogging when I should be showering, running a few errands, preparing gift for my cousin's baby shower on Saturday all before I pick up the kids this afternoon from the two-day a week parents-day-out program.

Next blog, maybe I will set a timer...

I still love Robert Downey Jr.

So I was in about sixth grade and ironically, taking a DARE class, when I first heard about the movie, Less Than Zero. I don't think I saw it all the way through, but I knew it had that cute Robert Downey Jr. in it and I thought he looked so good. I already knew who he was and considered him to be underrated, though as an oldest daughter with parents who shielded me from any R rated movie, I hadn't seen many of his films. I am pretty sure I caught Weird Science or The Pick Up Artist on HBO once or twice and noticed his charm there, and after watching Back To School (hilarious movie, BTW) over and over, I definitely had a crush on this guy. Anyway, I am rambling on. Less Than Zero put Robert Downey Jr. in the spotlight and I remember just thinking he was the coolest actor evah from then on.

Then he had those crazy arrests in the late 90's through 2001, remember? Didn't he get high and wander into someone's home? I vividly remember his mug shot shown everywhere, even on a local radio talk show billboard labeling him a "loser" for some related promotion, and that televised courtroom plea to a judge where he said, "It's like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and my finger's on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gunmetal". --Thanks Wikipedia, . It was heartbreaking! Oh yeah, and he was on Ally McBeal! I totally loved that! However, I recall feeling like there was no way Hollywood should turn their back on this guy, he seemed like the type who was really humble and vulnerable underneat, so as a fan, in his corner.

Which brings me to today. Now he has been successfully beating his addictions for several years and is back in the buzz. I have seen Downey Jr in the press circuit for the past couple of weeks promoting Iron Man and I have to say, he's even better! Still totally adorable, so my speed, cooler than ever. IMO, this is the cutest guy in Hollywood. I usually can't stand hero action movies, but this one I will see!

shopping, breaking those eggshells

I had a 30% off coupon with use of my Gap Card only available for a few days. So I trekked up to Gap and BabyGap to spend some dough. I spent $287 on both myself and both of the boys. The original total was $410, so I was thinking I did pretty well. I am not employed, so I do the banking in the family and I knew we were in good shape for me to start replenishing mine and my childrens wardrobes.

DH totally freaked out and became ugly. Not because we can't afford this. His reasons are more about control. I know that if I spent $50 on clothes a week for 6 weeks, he would never blink an eye and would probably be happy with every new ONE clothing item I would show him each week, but I don't have time to try and shop every week just to walk on eggshells and pretend that clothes don't cost money we notice. He apologized after he left and calmed down while taking Beeb to T-Ball practice. Meanwhile, after defending myself and standing my ground (I rarely cry anymore, it makes him worse anyway as he hates weakness) my heartrate was up, I felt like vomiting, and even now, my muscles remain tense for the rest of the entire evening. As he already returned with Beeb hours ago, he now sleeps soundly and without any tension, because nobody ever says disparaging things to him, nobody verbally attacks him, nobody constantly criticizes him, so he must be perfect and right with the world. People who get yelled at are the ones who suck, in his world, the blame the victim stuff of genius.

Why am I strong enough to endure this shit and yet not strong enough to tough out my Spanish class that I just dropped? There should be some sort of Communications Degree for still fighting fair after 8 years.

school and the rest

This is excerpted from an email I just typed to a friend, I added a few details, changed a few names and removed personal references to her, but it's a good summary of what's up right now and right now is all I can really wrap my head around:

Hey B,

Since we haven't met for coffee...

I am so down. I basically haven't made any progress in my spanish class since Boo broke his leg last month. Now that I am finally getting into a good routine with the management of this spica cast, I realize that that I am at a point of no return and I have to drop the class. I couldn't even play catch up if I wanted, it's an online class and I missed a ton of weekly deadlines that aren't even available for me to access anymore on the webCT. I could have done better, though it would have meant missing Easter, my friends wedding, missing Beeb's t-ball game, missing a great documentary about MLK last night, taking a much needed nap with my kids, spending every spare moment of time doing homework and with a house full of chores to keep up with and kids, I just couldn't bear the pressure. I am so disappointed in myself, it's sick! I hate that I am not organized or highly functional, I hate that I have never been so and I have a sinking feeling that I will never feel that joy in accomplishment that others seem to just find naturally; "goal met, next goal, goal met, next goal, met, next." I think a good fourth of my time is wasted trying to remember what I was going to do next. Because of the nightly care for this cast and changing the wrapping, cleaning, drying, etc...we don't get the boys to sleep until 9:30 and before all of this, I was doing pretty well at getting the lights out by 8PM, so that's a chunk of time taken away from studies as well! wah wah wah. I am however, grateful that Boo and Beeb are both doing so great, being so loving and silly and toddler-ish every day. They have no idea how this cast has stressed me out! Boo doesn't seem to know it's there, he even pulls himself up to cruise along furniture (and about gives me a heart attack!). Beeb can sing along with the song, Sexyback, how funny is that? They are my little boyfriends, seriously, and it's all about them.

The good news with school is, I am only 4 hours away from an AA in general studies...as if that degree matters for any particular field, but with my academia project going as slow as it is, it will be nice that if I have to enter the workforce again, at least I will be able to have something other than "some college." Once again, I am debating what to major in as I have a few options left in my very short list. Instead of International Studies, I am back to thinking English is a good pick for me. Any degree that will be a good springboard to law school one day. Except business degrees, I don't know why, but nothing sounds more boring and typical to me than a business degree!


I am planning to go to Tulsa on Mothers Day Weekend and stay for a few days, like I did last year. I. Can't. Wait. My plans to visit with friends, with their kids, sightsee and dine in Tulsa in December and during the weekend of that wedding in March were thwarted by circumstances beyond my control, it just can't happen a third time. Also, I love the Tulsa weather in May, it's just a perfect time, every time I go home at that time of the year.

W is moving back to Tulsa on April 19. She is still with her boyfriend, but he's staying in Dallas until it is certain that the job she is starting in OK will be lucrative and secure after a couple months of ramp up time. She'll be living at her step-sister's house and training to sell medical insurance to small businesses with someone her mom introduced her to.

Write when you can. I won't have time to meet for coffee until probably after the semester is over.

A

The Catalyst

This weekend was a lesson in humility. Perhaps I shouldn't be reading into it so much, but I feel like I have been getting subtle signs for a long time and because I ignored them, this finally happened.

For SIX weeks, I had planned with some of my friends to have a nice dinner out in the city. Before I picked the location, I simply picked the date and had asked my friends if a steak dinner would be a good idea. Everyone expressed interest and said they would go, my closest friend even helped me pick a restaurant. I picked a nice new restaurant with some trendy items on the menu and let everyone know the choice three weeks ago. At the time, the headcount was around 12-15, so I made a reservation. I had invited people from the same general circle who are mainly transplants from my hometown of Tulsa and this was to be a fun reunion of sorts, as some of them hadn't seen each other in several years. The list included, my close local girlfriends and their S.O.'s, my former roommate (male) and his friends from work whom I have known for years, and two girls who I have known for years through a mutual friend in Tulsa. These two have lived here for some time now and for some reason I had not yet befriended them. Shyness and self-absorption and distractability, I suspect.

Three days prior, I got a text message from one of my friends, exclaiming that she was really looking forward to it. The male former roommate also confirmed that he was bringing two of his friends. DH wasn't going to make it, for reasons I will go over shortly.

But by Saturday midday, my phone wasn't ringing. I texted the aforementioned friend to see if she wanted to carpool, since I would be going without DH. She responded that she was sick with the flu. I had a bad feeling about other guests, so I went ahead and called the restaurant to cut the reservation by half. I texted the male roommate, and he finally told me that the other two guys didn't want to go after all, so he was flaking out too, two hours before the reservation. Finally, the original person who I had made these plans with flaked out on me as well, saying that if it wasn't going to be a big party, then she and her S.O. didn't feel like going all out. She offered to grill out at her house. But I hadn't planned six weeks to just go to her house and sit on the patio. I wanted to go out, and I wasn't going to beg her and her guy to take me out somewhere, SO I cancelled the reservation and let the two girls who were still planning to go, know. I barely know these girls and they don't really know each other, so I didn't want to drag them down with me to the city just to have an expensive dinner with no reunion of old friends.

Both of those girls, L and S, called me after receiving my cancel text and were so nice to me! One even offered to just come up to my house and hang out, she was still up for doing something even if it was just me. But at this point I was so stressed and humiliated that I had already given up on the night entirely. I was hungry for the leftover Chick-Fil-A salad in the fridge and I wanted to just take off my makeup and crumple up into a loser ball.

DH was sympathetic, though it felt shallow because earlier he had sorely mistreated me. Plus he is constantly referring to my lack of friends compared to his wealth of them, indicating how superior he is to me. So this whole letdown was just more ammo for him to bring up when he wants to hurt me later, plus it was embarrassing. I suddenly felt stupid for thinking that 11 people would want to go to a fancy dinner with me just because I planned it. My ego was crushed.

Back to the signs part. For years, I have had this nagging feeling that I needed to cut out or cut back on some friendships. Stop living in the past and envisioning myself surrounded by a wealth of friends, sitting in some late night diner downtown in the 1990's. Sure I am still in touch with those who are still local, and due to time invested, they will be around now and then for a long while. But they are not what they were, time has changed things and they have moved on with their lives and I with mine. Or have I? I got married and had kids, each circumstance brought delays in social life, but I always considered this crowd to be mine as if I could just pick up after 3,6,9 years and everyone would still be down for dinner. BTW...they are for the most part, unmarried and in their upper thirties, without kids, so whatever it is keeping them from a social life with me is unknown to me, as kids and family have been really the only thing keeping me from them. The male roommate who finally cancelled actually referred to how pricey he had been told the restaurant was and joked that I could have planned something at Cracker Barrel in the suburbs. I made a mental note, and yes, I probably will try to meet him for supper somewhere like that if I ever plan anything with him in the future. But that's not worth hiring a babysitter, I would just bring them along if that's the case. I was insulted that he mentioned his problem with the restaurant choice with 2 hours to go. Why couldn't he have brought this up three weeks ago?

I believe, this night is to be the catalyst for change. The moment when I really give up on nurturing friendships that aren't doing me any good, the moment when I become a better friend to someone new. I am still baffled why I hadn't already befriended the two girls, L and S, who are both 39 years old, once I would have considered too much older than I, even though they look 29. Inviting them had truly been an afterthought, I figured since they were single, and since a few single guy friends of ours would be there, inviting them would help balance the mix. But I am so glad I made the gesture. I had such a pleasant conversation with L on Saturday, she wants to make plans to have a smaller girls night out later this Spring. She even mentioned that she had always heard that "that" crowd was a little flaky, so that's why she was never that close to them. I feel like I have made a new friend. Maybe one to replace another I have lost.

The reason for DH not planning to go to dinner with me was twofold. First, he didn't want to hire a new babysitter for the boys, his mother wasn't available to watch them, nor was their former caregiver who is also my neighbor, therefore, DH opted to stay home with them and let me go. I was disappointed, but it wasn't stopping me from going. But then, secondly, last week, my youngest broke his leg and is now in a spica cast. Even if I had been able to hire a new babysitter, DH and I wouldn't have trusted someone else to properly care for the cast while diapering, so DH would have stayed home anyway.

Thinking about the weekend exhausts me. I am already so tired. I am behind in my studies, now further behind due to my son's leg break and considering dropping one of my electives.

My envision for the weekend was completely all in my head. I won't be doing this again, with these friends. Hopefully, they will try to make plans with me individually in the future, but I am not going to be holding my breath and waiting for their call. It's time to move on, nurture new friendships, stop being so "loyal" to people who probably aren't even thinking of me and find a different crowd.

I have to make note, I do have a handful of close friendships with people who mean much more to me than the majority of my local friends. Unfortunately, they are scattered throughout the country, one in L.A., one in Chicago, and a few in Tulsa.

Someday, this is all going to be better. Too bad it seems to move at geologic time, a time when I both want faster change in my life and slower change from my children, who are growing faster than I am evolving.

The Eyes Room

Last Christmas, my older son received a "Cars" movie Lightning McQueen television and dvd player. It's very cute. When it is idle, the eyes roll around the screen:

My son was two at the time and he was initially frightened by the eyes. He was barely speaking clearly at the time, it took us a while to recognize that he wasn't saying "ice!" We put the tv in the spare bedroom and although he was over his fear of the rolling eyes within a few days, the room has been known as the "Eyes Room" ever since.