Thanksgiving at the in-laws was the usual. My apple butter pumpkin pie was a hit, though I noticed it was a bit more sour than the year before. DH planned to hit the doorbusters this morning, but he did not wake up until after 6 AM, so he "missed" a few opportunities on electronics. Instead he shopped through the late morning for good deals on less sought after merch, such as sheets and khaki slacks. DH also upgraded our nearly 3 year old cell phones while he was out, my new one is red and quite pretty. There were no Black Friday deals, today was just a good day to get some tasks accomplished.
I have about 5 assignments due within the next five days and I am stressing out. Unfortunately, I work best under pressure and even though I have very little time this weekend to complete my work, because it is all five days out, I can't seem to wrap my head around it all right now. I can never get in the right mindset until crunch time! I have been this way for my entire life, seriously, I recall procrastinating homework in 2nd grade. I do not know how to change, though I desperately want to. I suspect that there is a prescription drug for this problem, only I am too afraid to ingest any more chemicals than I already do in this chemical soup of a world.
One of my assignments this week is to complete a chemical exposure profile. I have only researched some of the basics so far, shampoo, makeup, toothpaste...and all of the products I use are of moderate risk and contain plenty of chemicals I don't want. That's not even including the ones I don't have a choice about, like second-hand smoke and car exhaust on the road.
lunch break time...and no, it ain't a turkey sandwich.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
What is 32
My school semester is coming to an end and I am looking forward to the break. I have been studying some troubling subjects! Genocide in my World Lit class, doom in general in my Environmental Sci class. Some of it is hard to think about, in particular, Armenian Genocide. Gosh.
So I am very ready to buy gifts for my siblings and family, as well as myself. I ordered a cute blue coat and a pair of Rocketdog sneakers online the other day. I haven't bought a new coat in about seven years. Which makes me feel old. grr.
What is 32 anyway? Am I old? Certainly some 32 yr olds look old and woefully unhip. Is this what I am when you strip off the makeup and the minimal amount of fashionable/current wardrobe? I long to be 28 again. That was the year I got pregnant. Now, two children later I truly feel like I have aged 10 years AND like this was the fastest 4 years of my life!
I think I talk about age too much with my classmates in one of my night classes. It's a lab class, so there is a lot of interaction. The 4 I talk to the most are 22, 25, 26. I find myself comparing aspects of my life to theirs in a self-deprecating way and pointing out the difference that 6+ years makes. I can't help it, I try not to do this too much, but it truly amuses me.
I will actually miss my classmates a lot, I doubt they will miss me, because they actually have lives (people who call them up all the time during class, lots of friends, jobs). I don't have much of an adult social life outside of school. DH and I meet up with friends about once every few months, and generally, because he has a ton more local friends than I, it's with his friends anyway. I am so alienated. I know this will change in the future, when my kids are a little older, when I get back into the workforce...but waiting sucks and I am wishing I could capitalize on my age while I am still under 35, if that makes any sense.
Meanwhile, I am very happy this week because my youngest son (16 months old) is FINALLY sleeping through the night. I completely weaned him from nursing last week, amazing to me how weaning just works like a sleep charm for breastfeeding moms. He took a little longer than his older brother did on the sleeping through the night thing, but thankfully, he has always been much easier than his older brother was to soothe back to sleep, so it was really never an issue.
I bought new bras. They are 2 cup sizes smaller than the ones I bought in between pregnancies in 2005. There was no point in following the "check bra size every 6 months" during this time. I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding (I was still nursing my oldest when I became pregnant with the youngest) since late 2003! This is the first time in THREE years that my body has belonged to me completely. Anyway, the difference is amazing, I look completely different in snug clothing now. I cannot wait to buy more new bras.
I am still thinking about blogging about some issues I mentioned before. I thought about the history one for some time and the other night it just spilled out. I have a lot more to dish about Julie G., as one could imagine, so this note will serve as my reminder later.
Peace!
So I am very ready to buy gifts for my siblings and family, as well as myself. I ordered a cute blue coat and a pair of Rocketdog sneakers online the other day. I haven't bought a new coat in about seven years. Which makes me feel old. grr.
What is 32 anyway? Am I old? Certainly some 32 yr olds look old and woefully unhip. Is this what I am when you strip off the makeup and the minimal amount of fashionable/current wardrobe? I long to be 28 again. That was the year I got pregnant. Now, two children later I truly feel like I have aged 10 years AND like this was the fastest 4 years of my life!
I think I talk about age too much with my classmates in one of my night classes. It's a lab class, so there is a lot of interaction. The 4 I talk to the most are 22, 25, 26. I find myself comparing aspects of my life to theirs in a self-deprecating way and pointing out the difference that 6+ years makes. I can't help it, I try not to do this too much, but it truly amuses me.
I will actually miss my classmates a lot, I doubt they will miss me, because they actually have lives (people who call them up all the time during class, lots of friends, jobs). I don't have much of an adult social life outside of school. DH and I meet up with friends about once every few months, and generally, because he has a ton more local friends than I, it's with his friends anyway. I am so alienated. I know this will change in the future, when my kids are a little older, when I get back into the workforce...but waiting sucks and I am wishing I could capitalize on my age while I am still under 35, if that makes any sense.
Meanwhile, I am very happy this week because my youngest son (16 months old) is FINALLY sleeping through the night. I completely weaned him from nursing last week, amazing to me how weaning just works like a sleep charm for breastfeeding moms. He took a little longer than his older brother did on the sleeping through the night thing, but thankfully, he has always been much easier than his older brother was to soothe back to sleep, so it was really never an issue.
I bought new bras. They are 2 cup sizes smaller than the ones I bought in between pregnancies in 2005. There was no point in following the "check bra size every 6 months" during this time. I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding (I was still nursing my oldest when I became pregnant with the youngest) since late 2003! This is the first time in THREE years that my body has belonged to me completely. Anyway, the difference is amazing, I look completely different in snug clothing now. I cannot wait to buy more new bras.
I am still thinking about blogging about some issues I mentioned before. I thought about the history one for some time and the other night it just spilled out. I have a lot more to dish about Julie G., as one could imagine, so this note will serve as my reminder later.
Peace!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Nart-bad experience, good story
In April of 1998, I was 22. I met a guy in the club scene and thought he was incredibly unique, different than anyone I had ever met and at the time, the most intellectual man I ever knew romantically. He seemed perfect for me, he even had a distaste for major professional sports. I will call him Nart (short for Narcissist Artist, or maybe Not Art, they both work). We fell for each other fast, but not in a graceful way. We met at a club, we went to bed too quickly and we never really went on a first date. Then he fell out of love just as fast, but he kept hanging on to me too, even though he quickly stopped saying, "I love you." We had never established a strong commitment, but he did not want to break up, so I pretended I was okay with continuing to see him in whatever way he let me in. I let other guys have my number again and maybe take me on one date now and then, but it was fraudulent...as most of the time, I was just waiting for Nart to call back. Nart always did call and show up on my doorstep just enough to keep me locked in, I saw him about once a week at least for several more months. BTW, neither of us had cell phones at this time. He did not like me dating other guys, but he would not ask me for exclusivity either. He claimed he was busy with work and otherwise just the usual philosophizing about existentialism. I fell for it, though I was honest about continuing to see other guys and assumed he was being honest as well in his claim that he was not seeing anyone, that all of his time was spent on work. Trouble was, even though I met some great guys, my wasted heart just wouldn't let me actually be interested in any one else but Nart anyway. So I kept busy, but my head was wrapped around Nart all the way through the first week in Dec. I had also gone from weighing about 103 to 93 lbs. I couldn't sleep at night. I was anxious all the time. I was becoming alienated from friends and often choosing to stay home alone rather than go out.
Then one day, Nart came over late at night in an odd mood, spoke of his regret and feelings for me and made plans to hang out with me later that week. This wasn't unusual, he would give me a similar spiel about once a month. I became hopeful that he was coming back around to desiring me as a real girlfriend (there was a reason he was giving me hope at this certain moment, explanation at the end). But I was growing weary of this routine, I wanted to believe him, but previous behavior indicated to me that he would be back to being distant within a week. At this point, I did not care about dignity. I just wanted a straight answer.
On the evening we had plans, he had not called all day. So I called him at work before close, he didn't answer. Within minutes, "he" called back from work (proved by caller id), I answered, but was hung up on. Because he did not call back immediately after he must have "accidentally" hung up, I called again and no answer. Minutes later, same thing, he called back but hung up on me upon answer. This act was repeated several times and though my intuition was screaming otherwise, I told myself that something must be wrong with his office phone equipment. Then the phones were silent for a while, he stopped calling and hanging up on me, and I certainly wasn't dialing his office. Obviously, I had tried his home as well. So after time had passed (or enough time to drive home) his home number called me and hung up when I answered. A few more back and forth phone calls continued and by this point I knew it was deliberate and I knew the relationship was over. I did not bother leaving a message asking "Why the F*$# do you keep calling me and hanging up when I answer?" This might have changed the dynamic of what was happening because what I didn't know was that he had no idea what was going on, all he knew was that I kept calling over and over for no reason.
I totally gave up on this mystery around bedtime. I desperately wanted an explanation, but he wasn't answering my calls and I was so angry at him for mocking me/prank calling/whatever that I went to bed in furious tears. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I had a feeling of closure, like I knew I wasn't going to be hanging on to this creep much longer, if for no other reason than because this was just over-the-top cruelty!
Within the hour, the phone rang and a "wireless caller" was on my caller id. I answered and a girl started talking really fast. She sounded angry, but blurted out sarcastically, "Hello Andrea, I just left Nart's, so you can call him now!" and she promptly hung up before I could say a word. I had no idea who she was, so I wasn't really embarrassed if she thought I was a psycho caller.
So I did call him. As I dialed, I was thinking this might be the very last time. He answered right away and he sounded annoyed. He did not want to talk, said he had been busy and was very tired now, but he did make it clear that he thought it was ridiculous that I had called so many times! When I told him a girl had just called me and told me she had just left his place, he claimed it must have been Beady, his friend (whom I knew of), who had been over to talk because she was having problems with her boyfriend...though he sounded suddenly shaken. In complete astoundment at his audacity to be annoyed by my "unwarranted" phone calls, I asked him why then did he keep f$#*ing calling me and hanging up? He began to deny this, but I quickly referred to my caller id as undeniable proof that he called from both work and home. Suddently he fell silent, realizing that if he said another word, he was exposed. Immediately, he wanted nothing more than to get off the phone and go to bed, he was extremely tired, was in a bad mood and had to go. So I let him without a protest. I still had no idea what had gone on, I just knew that this was enough evidence that he didn't like me anymore, did not respect me, did not even pretend to care about my feelings and I my emotions were spent with him. I promised myself I would never call him again and I would never again be in this situation with any man.
The next day at work, I filled out Christmas cards. I decided to sent one to Nart with a quick note inside, detailing my decision to effectively end the relationship. I actually apologized for giving him grief over being committed to me, but I also frankly told him that I was not equipped for this kind of a relationship and that I was ending it and would not call him anymore. I believe I even asked that he respectfully leave me alone as well. It was a good note, I was symbolically forgiving him for stringing me along for so many months and acknowledging that I had finally found the strength to let go. He did not deserve this kindness.
No sooner had I put the card in the mailbox after work, that the wireless caller showed up on my caller id again just as I was about to leave for my 2nd job, waitressing at Outback. She introduced herself, I will call her "Julie Gianni," as she acts much like the Vanilla Sky character. So immediately, I recognized that she was not Nart's friend, Beady, after all. Julie said she 19, an exotic dancer, and was Nart's GF (in a mutually committed relationship) of 3 months. She admitted that it was she who had been with Nart the evening before (she met up with him at his office and followed to his apartment as well) and that she had called my number behind his back while she was with him because she knew that I would react by calling back. She wanted to see what he would do when I called numerous times. She got in a fight with him because he wouldn't just answer my call and tell me he was with his GF, stop calling, etc. He had claimed to her that I was his psycho-ex and he didn't want to answer. So there was my story. I told her that he had stayed the night at my house only 3 days before but that I was done with him, indicated in a letter I had just sent. She said she had suspected something, as 3 days before, the two had been in a big fight and she had threatened to break up with him, then left, then she did not know where he was that night. I told her I was done with him and I was never calling him again. She claimed that she was done with him as well. I really didn't care if she was or wasn't, though I was thankful that she had called me back and explained since I never would have gotten such a disclosure from Nart.
Julie and I kept in touch intermittantly over the years. I don't know if this was good or bad, but I will refer to her whole other story later.
OMG, right?
Then one day, Nart came over late at night in an odd mood, spoke of his regret and feelings for me and made plans to hang out with me later that week. This wasn't unusual, he would give me a similar spiel about once a month. I became hopeful that he was coming back around to desiring me as a real girlfriend (there was a reason he was giving me hope at this certain moment, explanation at the end). But I was growing weary of this routine, I wanted to believe him, but previous behavior indicated to me that he would be back to being distant within a week. At this point, I did not care about dignity. I just wanted a straight answer.
On the evening we had plans, he had not called all day. So I called him at work before close, he didn't answer. Within minutes, "he" called back from work (proved by caller id), I answered, but was hung up on. Because he did not call back immediately after he must have "accidentally" hung up, I called again and no answer. Minutes later, same thing, he called back but hung up on me upon answer. This act was repeated several times and though my intuition was screaming otherwise, I told myself that something must be wrong with his office phone equipment. Then the phones were silent for a while, he stopped calling and hanging up on me, and I certainly wasn't dialing his office. Obviously, I had tried his home as well. So after time had passed (or enough time to drive home) his home number called me and hung up when I answered. A few more back and forth phone calls continued and by this point I knew it was deliberate and I knew the relationship was over. I did not bother leaving a message asking "Why the F*$# do you keep calling me and hanging up when I answer?" This might have changed the dynamic of what was happening because what I didn't know was that he had no idea what was going on, all he knew was that I kept calling over and over for no reason.
I totally gave up on this mystery around bedtime. I desperately wanted an explanation, but he wasn't answering my calls and I was so angry at him for mocking me/prank calling/whatever that I went to bed in furious tears. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I had a feeling of closure, like I knew I wasn't going to be hanging on to this creep much longer, if for no other reason than because this was just over-the-top cruelty!
Within the hour, the phone rang and a "wireless caller" was on my caller id. I answered and a girl started talking really fast. She sounded angry, but blurted out sarcastically, "Hello Andrea, I just left Nart's, so you can call him now!" and she promptly hung up before I could say a word. I had no idea who she was, so I wasn't really embarrassed if she thought I was a psycho caller.
So I did call him. As I dialed, I was thinking this might be the very last time. He answered right away and he sounded annoyed. He did not want to talk, said he had been busy and was very tired now, but he did make it clear that he thought it was ridiculous that I had called so many times! When I told him a girl had just called me and told me she had just left his place, he claimed it must have been Beady, his friend (whom I knew of), who had been over to talk because she was having problems with her boyfriend...though he sounded suddenly shaken. In complete astoundment at his audacity to be annoyed by my "unwarranted" phone calls, I asked him why then did he keep f$#*ing calling me and hanging up? He began to deny this, but I quickly referred to my caller id as undeniable proof that he called from both work and home. Suddently he fell silent, realizing that if he said another word, he was exposed. Immediately, he wanted nothing more than to get off the phone and go to bed, he was extremely tired, was in a bad mood and had to go. So I let him without a protest. I still had no idea what had gone on, I just knew that this was enough evidence that he didn't like me anymore, did not respect me, did not even pretend to care about my feelings and I my emotions were spent with him. I promised myself I would never call him again and I would never again be in this situation with any man.
The next day at work, I filled out Christmas cards. I decided to sent one to Nart with a quick note inside, detailing my decision to effectively end the relationship. I actually apologized for giving him grief over being committed to me, but I also frankly told him that I was not equipped for this kind of a relationship and that I was ending it and would not call him anymore. I believe I even asked that he respectfully leave me alone as well. It was a good note, I was symbolically forgiving him for stringing me along for so many months and acknowledging that I had finally found the strength to let go. He did not deserve this kindness.
No sooner had I put the card in the mailbox after work, that the wireless caller showed up on my caller id again just as I was about to leave for my 2nd job, waitressing at Outback. She introduced herself, I will call her "Julie Gianni," as she acts much like the Vanilla Sky character. So immediately, I recognized that she was not Nart's friend, Beady, after all. Julie said she 19, an exotic dancer, and was Nart's GF (in a mutually committed relationship) of 3 months. She admitted that it was she who had been with Nart the evening before (she met up with him at his office and followed to his apartment as well) and that she had called my number behind his back while she was with him because she knew that I would react by calling back. She wanted to see what he would do when I called numerous times. She got in a fight with him because he wouldn't just answer my call and tell me he was with his GF, stop calling, etc. He had claimed to her that I was his psycho-ex and he didn't want to answer. So there was my story. I told her that he had stayed the night at my house only 3 days before but that I was done with him, indicated in a letter I had just sent. She said she had suspected something, as 3 days before, the two had been in a big fight and she had threatened to break up with him, then left, then she did not know where he was that night. I told her I was done with him and I was never calling him again. She claimed that she was done with him as well. I really didn't care if she was or wasn't, though I was thankful that she had called me back and explained since I never would have gotten such a disclosure from Nart.
Julie and I kept in touch intermittantly over the years. I don't know if this was good or bad, but I will refer to her whole other story later.
OMG, right?
My 1990's History.
I am proud to say that I have an amazing memory of what happened when. For example, I remember the month and year (April 1997) that I introduced one of my best friends to the guy who would eventually become her husband...and she doesn't. She actually gets the years mixed up. Years ago, she was claiming that she met him "over ten years ago," and of course, I corrected her. She just doesn't remember dates, even though she will try to argue...even against times when I had kept journals and orderly photo albums and I know without any doubt when something occurred, she will still argue [something else] that "it just couldn't have been 2002, that was like 8 years ago!!" And although she keeps herself and her home impeccably organized on the surface, her best photos are stored in one album, all out of order. However, another best friend of mine is almost just like me in this respect, but I have determined that it's because she and I are both Virgos, and it's one of the few traits we share. Most people I know just do not care when something happened, it's the past, so whatev, right?
I really care. And it helps me remember where I took wrong turns. Back to the previous blog we go.
I do this periodically, it's a mania I suppose, as if I am going to forget, I write down years and months and what I was doing when. Often I will add a big emotional event as well, even if it was all internal. Here I will stick to the surface level events. It starts after high school, though truly, the trend began much much earlier.
1994. Spring of Sr. year. Broke up with long term boyfriend. Started working at Hooters as a hostess. Met lots of friends at my school and through my BFF who went to a new school. Dated a lot of guys all summer. Quit Hooters, was unemployed, living at home on an allowance with no responsibilities. Started community college, dropped out within a month because I slept in an skipped class. Went out almost every night of the week with my girlfriends.
1995. Began work at Applebee's. Enrolled again in community college both that Spring and Fall semester, but now that I both work AND go out all the time, skipping class was even more tempting, so I dropped out again. "Dated" a lot of cute guys, went out a lot, even more than before with the girlfriends. Became enchanted/distracted by a guy who wasn't right for me. Was arrested for DUI on Thanksgiving Eve.
1996. I didn't bother enrolling in school. Though I did make loose plans with my mother to attend a university...but "we" didn't plan properly and I missed a deadline for something and gave up. Drove for several months with a breathalyzer in my car. No matter, friends would pick me up to go out and I still went out a lot. The breathalyzer had malfunction issues, as it was relatively new technology and out of fear it would leave me stranded, I insisted that the installation company remove it. Therefore, my license was immediately revoked. I took the risk and continued myself to only driving to work...carefully. I got pulled over once for speeding, but the officer let me go, though he wrote the speeding ticket. I hung out with different friends than before now, friends who preferred clubs over college bars. These friends helped me get a fake id and I stopped hanging out with the girls from the previous year. Worked a lot to pay off that fine though, so there were actually weekends that I didn't go out. I did not date a lot this year, I was still hung up on the wrong guy from 1995. Started work at Outback Steakhouse and I quit Applebee's. In the Fall of 1996, I was "assaulted" at a party in my sleep (at least 10 of us crashed there) by a male coworker I naively considered to be a friend. I told my manager what happened, he took my side and convinced the owner to transfer him to the Outback across town. Was quite traumatized, though I knew it could have been worse. The whole restaurant staff seemed to know what happened and I think a few thought I had instigated and over-dramatized this incident.
1997. DUI drama over, I continued to meet new friends. Mom had enough of me and wanted me out of the house, coincidentally, a cool female coworker needed a replacement roommate. I am 22 years old this year and it was so great to move out. My roommate was 25 at the time and I became fast friends with her older friends as well. One of our mutual male friends was being transferred with his job to either Dallas or Phoenix that summer...because everybody who likes a social life gets sick of Tulsa eventually, he asked if anyone wanted to move with him. My roommate and I volunteered. BTW, college was a distant memory, something I told myself I could do later. After I felt I had partied enough, I guess. My roommate and I both secured jobs with Outback in the Dallas area and the three of us moved in July 1997. All summer, I was dating Smith, a pretty cool, and unbelievably good-looking guy who still lived in Tulsa. Though since Spring, I had been taking long distance phone calls from a 21 yr old guy from Denver that I met on AOL. I'll refer to him as "TJ." Smith had enough of our long-distance relationship and had undoubtedly noticed my emotional distance, because by mid-Fall, he effectively dumped me. THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN BROKEN UP WITH and truly, my ego was bruised, but I was not at all heartbroken over it as I had not been in love with Smith. All other heartaches were caused by guys who just weren't my boyfriend in the first place, or rejected me, whatever you call it. TJ and I were very close, but he was afraid to just fly to Dallas to meet me in person. Then TJ's dad finally got tired of the phone bills after TJ had dropped out of college (to work for his dad) and moved back home. TJ called every now and then, but got annoyed hearing about guys I was dating. We loosely kept up over email for the next few years, in between other relationships.
1998. In the Spring, call me a player. I dated a lot of guys, I broke some hearts, I was probably insensitive, I was probably arrogant. I drank really heaviliy. No more beer at little bars for me, my roommate and I only went to the most happening clubs and we were VIP all the way, no waiting in line, I drank Stoli Citron on the rocks. For my birthday in September, I went to visit my girlfriend Whit who had recently moved to Los Angeles. I had a blast and I longed to save up enough money to move out there with her. I started my first office job at an allergy clinic as an appointment receptionist, I still waited tables at night at Outback. I stopped going out as much with friends in Dallas. Three of my closest friends had boyfriends anyway, so social life was slowing down. I had not made enough new friends in Dallas, so I just worked and stayed home a lot. I was tired all the time and barely eating. *Read blog about Nart.
1999. The year started off in serious party mode. I was working a lot, I originally wanted to save up money and move to L.A. with Whit. Later, I even quit both of my jobs and tried exotic dancing for a little while, about 5 months. I have no problem admitting that I was awful at it, I did not know what I was doing and it made me very uncomfortable. I ended up only going in about twice a month, just enough to make money to pay the bills and eat. TJ had announced he would be visiting Dallas because he had a friend in the area who went to college here. But the time came and passed and he had not contacted me. Later when he was back at home, he claimed he was too scared to call me and risk being rejected upon meeting me. I was annoyed and had became disenchanted with TJ over the year anyway, he was beginning to sound bitter and judgmental when we rarely spoke by phone. I was happily single, I had lost so much weight during the Nart months that I was looking really good and I could wear anything and not look suggestive. My friends were single again, I was meeting a few new friends too. A bunch of us went to Mardi Gras and unfortunately I was filmed by GGW (which was Banned From TV at the time, I believe). Yep, they caught me on camera, I did not sign anything or have any idea of the consequences, but I would end up one of their video covers and in one of their first commercials a year later. Back in Dallas, I had met and started dating Gonzo in February...he fell in love fast, I was hard-to-get, he was reliable and loved me so, and offered me my life on a platter. He was only 26, but he proposed to me after dating for only about 5 months. We were married in Las Vegas before knowing each other 6 months. I quit dancing and didn't have a job all summer. Gonzo made me sell my old, but paid-off car and leased a brand new Jetta for me instead. For a month, I worked as an admin sale asst with a friend in electronic sales, but it was a bad company and we both quit. By Fall, Gonzo had introduced me to a recruiter who found a telecom position for me. The job was fun and the salary was more than I had ever made, so I was happy and I had no desire to go back to college at this moment in my life. I mentioned it to Gonzo as one of my future goals, he said, "later..." After the mess that was 1998 and early 1999, I finally felt like my life was on track.
Oh what little I knew about the economy at this point in my life.
Disconnected footnote: This was the last year I celebrated New Year's Eve, we went to Deep Ellum by shuttle bus with a large group to bring in the millenium.
And this is where I will leave it for now. 2000-2007 can wait.
I really care. And it helps me remember where I took wrong turns. Back to the previous blog we go.
I do this periodically, it's a mania I suppose, as if I am going to forget, I write down years and months and what I was doing when. Often I will add a big emotional event as well, even if it was all internal. Here I will stick to the surface level events. It starts after high school, though truly, the trend began much much earlier.
1994. Spring of Sr. year. Broke up with long term boyfriend. Started working at Hooters as a hostess. Met lots of friends at my school and through my BFF who went to a new school. Dated a lot of guys all summer. Quit Hooters, was unemployed, living at home on an allowance with no responsibilities. Started community college, dropped out within a month because I slept in an skipped class. Went out almost every night of the week with my girlfriends.
1995. Began work at Applebee's. Enrolled again in community college both that Spring and Fall semester, but now that I both work AND go out all the time, skipping class was even more tempting, so I dropped out again. "Dated" a lot of cute guys, went out a lot, even more than before with the girlfriends. Became enchanted/distracted by a guy who wasn't right for me. Was arrested for DUI on Thanksgiving Eve.
1996. I didn't bother enrolling in school. Though I did make loose plans with my mother to attend a university...but "we" didn't plan properly and I missed a deadline for something and gave up. Drove for several months with a breathalyzer in my car. No matter, friends would pick me up to go out and I still went out a lot. The breathalyzer had malfunction issues, as it was relatively new technology and out of fear it would leave me stranded, I insisted that the installation company remove it. Therefore, my license was immediately revoked. I took the risk and continued myself to only driving to work...carefully. I got pulled over once for speeding, but the officer let me go, though he wrote the speeding ticket. I hung out with different friends than before now, friends who preferred clubs over college bars. These friends helped me get a fake id and I stopped hanging out with the girls from the previous year. Worked a lot to pay off that fine though, so there were actually weekends that I didn't go out. I did not date a lot this year, I was still hung up on the wrong guy from 1995. Started work at Outback Steakhouse and I quit Applebee's. In the Fall of 1996, I was "assaulted" at a party in my sleep (at least 10 of us crashed there) by a male coworker I naively considered to be a friend. I told my manager what happened, he took my side and convinced the owner to transfer him to the Outback across town. Was quite traumatized, though I knew it could have been worse. The whole restaurant staff seemed to know what happened and I think a few thought I had instigated and over-dramatized this incident.
1997. DUI drama over, I continued to meet new friends. Mom had enough of me and wanted me out of the house, coincidentally, a cool female coworker needed a replacement roommate. I am 22 years old this year and it was so great to move out. My roommate was 25 at the time and I became fast friends with her older friends as well. One of our mutual male friends was being transferred with his job to either Dallas or Phoenix that summer...because everybody who likes a social life gets sick of Tulsa eventually, he asked if anyone wanted to move with him. My roommate and I volunteered. BTW, college was a distant memory, something I told myself I could do later. After I felt I had partied enough, I guess. My roommate and I both secured jobs with Outback in the Dallas area and the three of us moved in July 1997. All summer, I was dating Smith, a pretty cool, and unbelievably good-looking guy who still lived in Tulsa. Though since Spring, I had been taking long distance phone calls from a 21 yr old guy from Denver that I met on AOL. I'll refer to him as "TJ." Smith had enough of our long-distance relationship and had undoubtedly noticed my emotional distance, because by mid-Fall, he effectively dumped me. THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN BROKEN UP WITH and truly, my ego was bruised, but I was not at all heartbroken over it as I had not been in love with Smith. All other heartaches were caused by guys who just weren't my boyfriend in the first place, or rejected me, whatever you call it. TJ and I were very close, but he was afraid to just fly to Dallas to meet me in person. Then TJ's dad finally got tired of the phone bills after TJ had dropped out of college (to work for his dad) and moved back home. TJ called every now and then, but got annoyed hearing about guys I was dating. We loosely kept up over email for the next few years, in between other relationships.
1998. In the Spring, call me a player. I dated a lot of guys, I broke some hearts, I was probably insensitive, I was probably arrogant. I drank really heaviliy. No more beer at little bars for me, my roommate and I only went to the most happening clubs and we were VIP all the way, no waiting in line, I drank Stoli Citron on the rocks. For my birthday in September, I went to visit my girlfriend Whit who had recently moved to Los Angeles. I had a blast and I longed to save up enough money to move out there with her. I started my first office job at an allergy clinic as an appointment receptionist, I still waited tables at night at Outback. I stopped going out as much with friends in Dallas. Three of my closest friends had boyfriends anyway, so social life was slowing down. I had not made enough new friends in Dallas, so I just worked and stayed home a lot. I was tired all the time and barely eating. *Read blog about Nart.
1999. The year started off in serious party mode. I was working a lot, I originally wanted to save up money and move to L.A. with Whit. Later, I even quit both of my jobs and tried exotic dancing for a little while, about 5 months. I have no problem admitting that I was awful at it, I did not know what I was doing and it made me very uncomfortable. I ended up only going in about twice a month, just enough to make money to pay the bills and eat. TJ had announced he would be visiting Dallas because he had a friend in the area who went to college here. But the time came and passed and he had not contacted me. Later when he was back at home, he claimed he was too scared to call me and risk being rejected upon meeting me. I was annoyed and had became disenchanted with TJ over the year anyway, he was beginning to sound bitter and judgmental when we rarely spoke by phone. I was happily single, I had lost so much weight during the Nart months that I was looking really good and I could wear anything and not look suggestive. My friends were single again, I was meeting a few new friends too. A bunch of us went to Mardi Gras and unfortunately I was filmed by GGW (which was Banned From TV at the time, I believe). Yep, they caught me on camera, I did not sign anything or have any idea of the consequences, but I would end up one of their video covers and in one of their first commercials a year later. Back in Dallas, I had met and started dating Gonzo in February...he fell in love fast, I was hard-to-get, he was reliable and loved me so, and offered me my life on a platter. He was only 26, but he proposed to me after dating for only about 5 months. We were married in Las Vegas before knowing each other 6 months. I quit dancing and didn't have a job all summer. Gonzo made me sell my old, but paid-off car and leased a brand new Jetta for me instead. For a month, I worked as an admin sale asst with a friend in electronic sales, but it was a bad company and we both quit. By Fall, Gonzo had introduced me to a recruiter who found a telecom position for me. The job was fun and the salary was more than I had ever made, so I was happy and I had no desire to go back to college at this moment in my life. I mentioned it to Gonzo as one of my future goals, he said, "later..." After the mess that was 1998 and early 1999, I finally felt like my life was on track.
Oh what little I knew about the economy at this point in my life.
Disconnected footnote: This was the last year I celebrated New Year's Eve, we went to Deep Ellum by shuttle bus with a large group to bring in the millenium.
And this is where I will leave it for now. 2000-2007 can wait.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
How much longer?
Today is just like any other day. Unremarkable. But it's one of those days that I feel the personal gravity of the unremarkable. On the surface, I should be so grateful for what I have, right? I am married, I have 2 beautiful and precious young children, I am able to stay home with my children. And yes, having children is the most blessed thing ever, truly. But the rest, the reality of the rest of the equation, feels anything but.
I haven't made the best choices in my life. For example, I blew off fully paid tuition (by a now deceased grandfather) in the mid-90's in favor of social life and restaurant work. Even though, somehow, other kids I worked with were getting it done, I just couldn't pull it together and suck it up, so I dropped out. I moved to a new state with friends only to continue working as a waitress and party even more. College was an afterthought. I got married in Vegas in 1999 at age 23 after dating my husband for 5 months. I started a real job in the booming telecom industry and then the bubble burst...after we had built a new house. I started a new job that was relaxed and leisurely, but I was too afraid to take on full time college hours so I went part time. Then I had babies, three years flew by, and I suddenly even though I feel like it's still 2003, I am not in my twenties anymore.
I think I am making progress now, but it's all catch up. Here I am, 32, no college degree, not having worked in 3 years, totally financially dependent on a husband. How much longer? How many more unremarkable days/months/years/decades? When will "my" time come?
I haven't made the best choices in my life. For example, I blew off fully paid tuition (by a now deceased grandfather) in the mid-90's in favor of social life and restaurant work. Even though, somehow, other kids I worked with were getting it done, I just couldn't pull it together and suck it up, so I dropped out. I moved to a new state with friends only to continue working as a waitress and party even more. College was an afterthought. I got married in Vegas in 1999 at age 23 after dating my husband for 5 months. I started a real job in the booming telecom industry and then the bubble burst...after we had built a new house. I started a new job that was relaxed and leisurely, but I was too afraid to take on full time college hours so I went part time. Then I had babies, three years flew by, and I suddenly even though I feel like it's still 2003, I am not in my twenties anymore.
I think I am making progress now, but it's all catch up. Here I am, 32, no college degree, not having worked in 3 years, totally financially dependent on a husband. How much longer? How many more unremarkable days/months/years/decades? When will "my" time come?
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