The Catalyst

This weekend was a lesson in humility. Perhaps I shouldn't be reading into it so much, but I feel like I have been getting subtle signs for a long time and because I ignored them, this finally happened.

For SIX weeks, I had planned with some of my friends to have a nice dinner out in the city. Before I picked the location, I simply picked the date and had asked my friends if a steak dinner would be a good idea. Everyone expressed interest and said they would go, my closest friend even helped me pick a restaurant. I picked a nice new restaurant with some trendy items on the menu and let everyone know the choice three weeks ago. At the time, the headcount was around 12-15, so I made a reservation. I had invited people from the same general circle who are mainly transplants from my hometown of Tulsa and this was to be a fun reunion of sorts, as some of them hadn't seen each other in several years. The list included, my close local girlfriends and their S.O.'s, my former roommate (male) and his friends from work whom I have known for years, and two girls who I have known for years through a mutual friend in Tulsa. These two have lived here for some time now and for some reason I had not yet befriended them. Shyness and self-absorption and distractability, I suspect.

Three days prior, I got a text message from one of my friends, exclaiming that she was really looking forward to it. The male former roommate also confirmed that he was bringing two of his friends. DH wasn't going to make it, for reasons I will go over shortly.

But by Saturday midday, my phone wasn't ringing. I texted the aforementioned friend to see if she wanted to carpool, since I would be going without DH. She responded that she was sick with the flu. I had a bad feeling about other guests, so I went ahead and called the restaurant to cut the reservation by half. I texted the male roommate, and he finally told me that the other two guys didn't want to go after all, so he was flaking out too, two hours before the reservation. Finally, the original person who I had made these plans with flaked out on me as well, saying that if it wasn't going to be a big party, then she and her S.O. didn't feel like going all out. She offered to grill out at her house. But I hadn't planned six weeks to just go to her house and sit on the patio. I wanted to go out, and I wasn't going to beg her and her guy to take me out somewhere, SO I cancelled the reservation and let the two girls who were still planning to go, know. I barely know these girls and they don't really know each other, so I didn't want to drag them down with me to the city just to have an expensive dinner with no reunion of old friends.

Both of those girls, L and S, called me after receiving my cancel text and were so nice to me! One even offered to just come up to my house and hang out, she was still up for doing something even if it was just me. But at this point I was so stressed and humiliated that I had already given up on the night entirely. I was hungry for the leftover Chick-Fil-A salad in the fridge and I wanted to just take off my makeup and crumple up into a loser ball.

DH was sympathetic, though it felt shallow because earlier he had sorely mistreated me. Plus he is constantly referring to my lack of friends compared to his wealth of them, indicating how superior he is to me. So this whole letdown was just more ammo for him to bring up when he wants to hurt me later, plus it was embarrassing. I suddenly felt stupid for thinking that 11 people would want to go to a fancy dinner with me just because I planned it. My ego was crushed.

Back to the signs part. For years, I have had this nagging feeling that I needed to cut out or cut back on some friendships. Stop living in the past and envisioning myself surrounded by a wealth of friends, sitting in some late night diner downtown in the 1990's. Sure I am still in touch with those who are still local, and due to time invested, they will be around now and then for a long while. But they are not what they were, time has changed things and they have moved on with their lives and I with mine. Or have I? I got married and had kids, each circumstance brought delays in social life, but I always considered this crowd to be mine as if I could just pick up after 3,6,9 years and everyone would still be down for dinner. BTW...they are for the most part, unmarried and in their upper thirties, without kids, so whatever it is keeping them from a social life with me is unknown to me, as kids and family have been really the only thing keeping me from them. The male roommate who finally cancelled actually referred to how pricey he had been told the restaurant was and joked that I could have planned something at Cracker Barrel in the suburbs. I made a mental note, and yes, I probably will try to meet him for supper somewhere like that if I ever plan anything with him in the future. But that's not worth hiring a babysitter, I would just bring them along if that's the case. I was insulted that he mentioned his problem with the restaurant choice with 2 hours to go. Why couldn't he have brought this up three weeks ago?

I believe, this night is to be the catalyst for change. The moment when I really give up on nurturing friendships that aren't doing me any good, the moment when I become a better friend to someone new. I am still baffled why I hadn't already befriended the two girls, L and S, who are both 39 years old, once I would have considered too much older than I, even though they look 29. Inviting them had truly been an afterthought, I figured since they were single, and since a few single guy friends of ours would be there, inviting them would help balance the mix. But I am so glad I made the gesture. I had such a pleasant conversation with L on Saturday, she wants to make plans to have a smaller girls night out later this Spring. She even mentioned that she had always heard that "that" crowd was a little flaky, so that's why she was never that close to them. I feel like I have made a new friend. Maybe one to replace another I have lost.

The reason for DH not planning to go to dinner with me was twofold. First, he didn't want to hire a new babysitter for the boys, his mother wasn't available to watch them, nor was their former caregiver who is also my neighbor, therefore, DH opted to stay home with them and let me go. I was disappointed, but it wasn't stopping me from going. But then, secondly, last week, my youngest broke his leg and is now in a spica cast. Even if I had been able to hire a new babysitter, DH and I wouldn't have trusted someone else to properly care for the cast while diapering, so DH would have stayed home anyway.

Thinking about the weekend exhausts me. I am already so tired. I am behind in my studies, now further behind due to my son's leg break and considering dropping one of my electives.

My envision for the weekend was completely all in my head. I won't be doing this again, with these friends. Hopefully, they will try to make plans with me individually in the future, but I am not going to be holding my breath and waiting for their call. It's time to move on, nurture new friendships, stop being so "loyal" to people who probably aren't even thinking of me and find a different crowd.

I have to make note, I do have a handful of close friendships with people who mean much more to me than the majority of my local friends. Unfortunately, they are scattered throughout the country, one in L.A., one in Chicago, and a few in Tulsa.

Someday, this is all going to be better. Too bad it seems to move at geologic time, a time when I both want faster change in my life and slower change from my children, who are growing faster than I am evolving.