I had a 30% off coupon with use of my Gap Card only available for a few days. So I trekked up to Gap and BabyGap to spend some dough. I spent $287 on both myself and both of the boys. The original total was $410, so I was thinking I did pretty well. I am not employed, so I do the banking in the family and I knew we were in good shape for me to start replenishing mine and my childrens wardrobes.
DH totally freaked out and became ugly. Not because we can't afford this. His reasons are more about control. I know that if I spent $50 on clothes a week for 6 weeks, he would never blink an eye and would probably be happy with every new ONE clothing item I would show him each week, but I don't have time to try and shop every week just to walk on eggshells and pretend that clothes don't cost money we notice. He apologized after he left and calmed down while taking Beeb to T-Ball practice. Meanwhile, after defending myself and standing my ground (I rarely cry anymore, it makes him worse anyway as he hates weakness) my heartrate was up, I felt like vomiting, and even now, my muscles remain tense for the rest of the entire evening. As he already returned with Beeb hours ago, he now sleeps soundly and without any tension, because nobody ever says disparaging things to him, nobody verbally attacks him, nobody constantly criticizes him, so he must be perfect and right with the world. People who get yelled at are the ones who suck, in his world, the blame the victim stuff of genius.
Why am I strong enough to endure this shit and yet not strong enough to tough out my Spanish class that I just dropped? There should be some sort of Communications Degree for still fighting fair after 8 years.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
school and the rest
This is excerpted from an email I just typed to a friend, I added a few details, changed a few names and removed personal references to her, but it's a good summary of what's up right now and right now is all I can really wrap my head around:
Hey B,
Since we haven't met for coffee...
I am so down. I basically haven't made any progress in my spanish class since Boo broke his leg last month. Now that I am finally getting into a good routine with the management of this spica cast, I realize that that I am at a point of no return and I have to drop the class. I couldn't even play catch up if I wanted, it's an online class and I missed a ton of weekly deadlines that aren't even available for me to access anymore on the webCT. I could have done better, though it would have meant missing Easter, my friends wedding, missing Beeb's t-ball game, missing a great documentary about MLK last night, taking a much needed nap with my kids, spending every spare moment of time doing homework and with a house full of chores to keep up with and kids, I just couldn't bear the pressure. I am so disappointed in myself, it's sick! I hate that I am not organized or highly functional, I hate that I have never been so and I have a sinking feeling that I will never feel that joy in accomplishment that others seem to just find naturally; "goal met, next goal, goal met, next goal, met, next." I think a good fourth of my time is wasted trying to remember what I was going to do next. Because of the nightly care for this cast and changing the wrapping, cleaning, drying, etc...we don't get the boys to sleep until 9:30 and before all of this, I was doing pretty well at getting the lights out by 8PM, so that's a chunk of time taken away from studies as well! wah wah wah. I am however, grateful that Boo and Beeb are both doing so great, being so loving and silly and toddler-ish every day. They have no idea how this cast has stressed me out! Boo doesn't seem to know it's there, he even pulls himself up to cruise along furniture (and about gives me a heart attack!). Beeb can sing along with the song, Sexyback, how funny is that? They are my little boyfriends, seriously, and it's all about them.
The good news with school is, I am only 4 hours away from an AA in general studies...as if that degree matters for any particular field, but with my academia project going as slow as it is, it will be nice that if I have to enter the workforce again, at least I will be able to have something other than "some college." Once again, I am debating what to major in as I have a few options left in my very short list. Instead of International Studies, I am back to thinking English is a good pick for me. Any degree that will be a good springboard to law school one day. Except business degrees, I don't know why, but nothing sounds more boring and typical to me than a business degree!
I am planning to go to Tulsa on Mothers Day Weekend and stay for a few days, like I did last year. I. Can't. Wait. My plans to visit with friends, with their kids, sightsee and dine in Tulsa in December and during the weekend of that wedding in March were thwarted by circumstances beyond my control, it just can't happen a third time. Also, I love the Tulsa weather in May, it's just a perfect time, every time I go home at that time of the year.
W is moving back to Tulsa on April 19. She is still with her boyfriend, but he's staying in Dallas until it is certain that the job she is starting in OK will be lucrative and secure after a couple months of ramp up time. She'll be living at her step-sister's house and training to sell medical insurance to small businesses with someone her mom introduced her to.
Write when you can. I won't have time to meet for coffee until probably after the semester is over.
A
Hey B,
Since we haven't met for coffee...
I am so down. I basically haven't made any progress in my spanish class since Boo broke his leg last month. Now that I am finally getting into a good routine with the management of this spica cast, I realize that that I am at a point of no return and I have to drop the class. I couldn't even play catch up if I wanted, it's an online class and I missed a ton of weekly deadlines that aren't even available for me to access anymore on the webCT. I could have done better, though it would have meant missing Easter, my friends wedding, missing Beeb's t-ball game, missing a great documentary about MLK last night, taking a much needed nap with my kids, spending every spare moment of time doing homework and with a house full of chores to keep up with and kids, I just couldn't bear the pressure. I am so disappointed in myself, it's sick! I hate that I am not organized or highly functional, I hate that I have never been so and I have a sinking feeling that I will never feel that joy in accomplishment that others seem to just find naturally; "goal met, next goal, goal met, next goal, met, next." I think a good fourth of my time is wasted trying to remember what I was going to do next. Because of the nightly care for this cast and changing the wrapping, cleaning, drying, etc...we don't get the boys to sleep until 9:30 and before all of this, I was doing pretty well at getting the lights out by 8PM, so that's a chunk of time taken away from studies as well! wah wah wah. I am however, grateful that Boo and Beeb are both doing so great, being so loving and silly and toddler-ish every day. They have no idea how this cast has stressed me out! Boo doesn't seem to know it's there, he even pulls himself up to cruise along furniture (and about gives me a heart attack!). Beeb can sing along with the song, Sexyback, how funny is that? They are my little boyfriends, seriously, and it's all about them.
The good news with school is, I am only 4 hours away from an AA in general studies...as if that degree matters for any particular field, but with my academia project going as slow as it is, it will be nice that if I have to enter the workforce again, at least I will be able to have something other than "some college." Once again, I am debating what to major in as I have a few options left in my very short list. Instead of International Studies, I am back to thinking English is a good pick for me. Any degree that will be a good springboard to law school one day. Except business degrees, I don't know why, but nothing sounds more boring and typical to me than a business degree!
I am planning to go to Tulsa on Mothers Day Weekend and stay for a few days, like I did last year. I. Can't. Wait. My plans to visit with friends, with their kids, sightsee and dine in Tulsa in December and during the weekend of that wedding in March were thwarted by circumstances beyond my control, it just can't happen a third time. Also, I love the Tulsa weather in May, it's just a perfect time, every time I go home at that time of the year.
W is moving back to Tulsa on April 19. She is still with her boyfriend, but he's staying in Dallas until it is certain that the job she is starting in OK will be lucrative and secure after a couple months of ramp up time. She'll be living at her step-sister's house and training to sell medical insurance to small businesses with someone her mom introduced her to.
Write when you can. I won't have time to meet for coffee until probably after the semester is over.
A
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