why haven't I been already

I started working out in a real way for the first time in my nearly 33 years of life and I am truly loving it. The closest I came to working out regularly before now was in 2005. I had joined Lifetime Fitness Center with DH, attended a few yoga classes over three months and did some cardio on the stairmaster a handful of times and visited the pool with my kids once. It was a pathetic waste of money! I figured out I was pregnant with surprise baby #2 when I was three months along and realized that pregnancy had been secretly sabotaging my motivation and energy. We cancelled that membership anyway. It was terribly expensive even at their charter rate and the closest location was still a haul.

When I became pregnant with baby #2, I had JUST hit my pre-baby weight and I wasn't really concerned about my weight to begin with. I assumed it would all melt off without effort within a year the way it did with baby #1. It started to, most likely due to extended breastfeeding. But after I finally weaned completely, a good 10 pounds crept back on and stayed. That was nearly 8 months ago and here I am, still a good 10-15 over what I think I should be.

So I joined LA Fitness and tagged along with DH most times so I wouldn't look totally stupid trying to figure out how to use all the neat machines. BTW, I prefer machines because I don't like hanging out over by the free weights where all the men are and because I like that the machines provide some sort of guidance about proper use.

My main goal is to get skinny arms again, though I need toning throughout! I know cardio is key here, so I was happy to find an eliptical machine I liked (I was always too afraid to try those things) because I truly hate running on treadmills because it makes my boobs bounce too much and after nearly three years of my life spent breastfeeding, that's the last thing my girls need! I have now learned to use most of the machines for my arms and abs goal and I feel comfortable showing up by myself. I tried a yoga class too, it wasn't as good as my previous college yoga courses, but it did leave my thighs sore...and ill-prepared for what came next.

DH convinced me to meet him at a spin cycle class claiming it was the best cardio workout. We were running late and I called his cell to tell him we should probably just work out and skip the class. He insisted that it was no big deal to be late. I arrived five minutes late, ahead of DH. The instructor immediately noticed I was new and came over to me to make the cycle adjustments for me. Um, embarrassing! But I liked her right away for helping me and being so cool about it. DH showed up and got up on the cycle next to me. Warm up was over and standing cycling began and I could not do it. I tried to stand and cycle a few rotations, but had to sit down right away. I thought maybe it was all in my head, I played around with the resistance lever and I tried again a few seconds later, but I had to sit down! I could not believe all these people in class were doing something I could not do! Even one obese woman in front of me could stand and cycle, but I could NOT. I tried a third time and my thighs were trembling. So I surrendered and continued to cycle while seated. I made it through the class without having to give up, but wow, a lesson in humility for sure. Although I was having no part of all the instructors commands, and I think she understood because she even told the class that she could not stand in her first spin class either, I thought she was totally motivating and I will be back in this class again! Maybe after I am in better shape...for my ego's sake anyway.

I emailed a good guy friend who is 38 going on 28 and in perfect body-building shape and has worked as a personal trainer. I had to ask him what was his best advice to get skinny arms. He gave me great tips, told me he knew I had a strong mind and could do it, and then told me that I didn't look bad anyway and that whatever I did would just be "polish" on me. Isn't that so sweet of someone to say?

Here I come!

Humility

In early July, I signed myself up, catching one of the last open spots, in a one month long, online Spanish course I needed. I ignored my screaming intuition that this might be too much and felt good that I would be getting this out of the way before Fall. Then, within the first week, DH wasn't much available for me to study and I didn't get around to any actual book cracking until Wednesday. The professor sent an email to the whole class letting everyone know that the first test deadline had been extended by one day. Well, I thought she meant one day on top of what date was showing on the assignments due page and because of this, I missed the deadline. If she had just left the deadline as it was, I would have struggled through and taken my test on that day. I was devastated because this test was 20% of my grade and based on the one graded assignment I already had completed, there was no way I could possibly do better than a C by this point. I figured I would have to eat humble pie, so I decided to try to get full credit on all the future assignments and take my C in stride. But then I screwed up again, on the last test, instead of watching the real clock for the 10PM deadline, I watched the test window countdown clock to track my time left on the test. It logged me out at 10:15 and I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it was past ten already. I stupidly assumed that the countdown clock was programmed to include the deadline...it wasn't. So since I hadn't given "final" answers on several of my answers yet, I got a D on that test. So I dropped the class today. I feel all twisted up inside. I guess I should count myself lucky that I am not using financial aid, because I know that a student can lose benefits if classes are withdrawn from, but I can't help but feel completely drained for all the work I have done, all $206 I spent on this class, only to have it be a complete waste. A friend told me I need to quit being so hard on myself, but I keep thinking that maybe I am not hard enough on myself, and this is why I haven't accomplished much and I am about to turn 33. I feel like I am running on a hamster wheel.

It's hot. We have had several 100 degree days in a row already. I definitely love summer over winter, but I am looking forward to September weather. It's still hot here then, but less physically exhausting. I also have flabby arms lately, so I kinda look forward to hiding them with sweaters and long sleeves. I realized sometime this year that it's been well over five years since I laid out by a pool alone...so I plan to do so at my neighborhood pool in the mid-morning through afternoons just as soon as those boys are back in Mother's Day Out!

Since the rest of my summer will not be at the library studying Spanish, I have a loose plan to check out those online guitar lesson guides and declutter some more.

I am planning my first son's 4th birthday and DH is letting me go a little expensive this year. I have scheduled the party to be held at a ranch with petting zoo barn, huge mini golf course and pony rides. I think it's going to be a huge hit!

I want to lose 15 lbs. I have gained about 8 lbs since last summer. 15 is probably more than I need to lose, but I am just dying to be skinny again. I have been at this weight for a while now, I was only about 10 lbs lighter before children, but every time I look in the mirror, I feel like I am looking at someone else and someone older. DH said he would add the boys and I to his gym membership. I just hope I start showing up. :)

July

THIS IS REPOSTED from my myspace blog, figured it could stick here too.

I spent two weekends in a row in San Antonio. The first one was lovely and leisurely, the second one was to attend a funeral for DH's grandmother. Although DH initially was opposed to it, I attended and I brought the children. I simply didn't want to miss it, it was just right to let DH's huge extended S.A. family see these grandchildren as it might be a very long time before they see us again. I did skip the Thursday night rosary so I could stay at the hotel and take a Spanish test online. The free wi-fi at Pear Tree Inn was jumpy and slow, I almost had a heart attack, but I met the deadline with 20 minutes to spare. At the funeral, managing two toddlers in a church wasn't exactly smooth sailing, but I did it with more grace than usual, as I do when people are watching, and ALL by myself, because DH was a pallbearer. I remember that I kept looking down at my lap and thinking, "thank goodness my skirt has a built-in slip!" So I completely missed the substance of the ceremony, but it's not about me, it's all about showing up and representing the beautiful family that wouldn't have existed without "Little Grandma." I was so moved by the emotion displayed by los tios. This death marks a big change in that family.

I was absolutely drained and still wearing heels on the five hour drive home immediately following the reception. But I went out to meet friends in town after arriving home at 10 PM. It really was nice to see them, but going out wasn't my best decision. I couldn't restrain myself, I mean, my phone never fucking rings, so how am I going to miss an opportunity to go hang out with adults who are actually friends of mine, not of DH's? I was tired, the place was terribly loud, few places to sit comfortably, full of young suburbanites and beyond boring if not for the company I roll with. I was dying to suggest another cooler place, but I held my tongue as it was already late and I didn't want to sound controlling or rude to the one local person who had suggested it. Hopefully, I will see everyone again during OU/TX weekend and we'll all go somewhere cool...closer to downtown, like last year.

Victoria's Secret sucks at bra sizing, and I knew this because something has been up with those demi-cups that only work when I am standing still, but I was in denial. I finally went to get a real bra sizing at Nordstrom. Not only have I been wearing the entirely wrong bra size since I quit nursing in 2007, but I have been wearing the wrong band size for likely my whole post-adolesence! And on top of that, I am a HTF size, so you can't just go pick one up. Great!! The ugly and correctly sized bra that the associate "put" me into did fit beautifully, even while touching my toes, but all the cute bras could only be found in popular sizes; 32A, 34B, 36C. WTF. So my choices are to either have alterations or find a good brand and purchase on the internet. Hassles!

Do all two of you remember the weird water guy who doesn't know who the heck I am even though I have been a customer since 2001? Well, I found an opp to call him out, as I love to do, the last time I was in. He asked if I had an account and I said, "uh Yeaaahh, I have only been coming here for oh, 7 years or so.." I smiled big and blinked at him. I was about to remind him that of some of the topics we've discussed in recent years, like The Muppets Show on DVD, Lost, Scrubs, being 8 years younger than me...I was about to remind him that he somehow always knows who DH is, even though DH runs this errand only about once a year! But before I could say anything, he went a little chirpy on me. Said he was sorry several times, said "I know, I know, I am so uhm ...forgetful, I don't know why I just said that, um..." and I suddenly felt bad because obviously he wasn't prepared to volley with me. I tried to mirror him and give him a break by admitting that I was forgetful too and hey, the modern world and all it's technological distractions (forgetting for a moment that the kid is always on two computers behind the counter, one for online game playing, one for watching his favorite shows). He got weird, actually happy, looking me in the eye and eager to converse, he began discussing the amazing adaptability of certain species and biology and how there is a cure out there somewhere for everything, it was a jumbled sequence of sentences. I smiled and listened, adding a quip here and there, very amused, though wondering why I chose today to have opened this can of worms. Why couldn't I just have left it alone, avoided eye contact and told him my account name, talked about the hot weather, said thank you and moved on like every other time? Anyway, I have since decided that this kid is just shy and has no clue how to talk to women. Someday I should write about the Target cashier who told me all about the musical composers for major video games. Smile, nod, tell him I really know nothing about that, yet continue to listen to endless elaboration... It would be great SNL material.

The fam and I also caught a Rough Riders game in Frisco in the lawn seats with another family with young kids. The people in the lawn seats RULE! And I actually drank beer. The bottles served at this ballpark are quite attractive, the children couldn't resist taking the empties and stuffing them down each others shirts and calling themselves, "firemen!" By that time, the people in the lawn already felt like family, so we avoided feeling too shamed for such poor parenting.

My mother was in town for a few days and I took her and my children to visit my cousin and her new baby. I had already spent several hours helping my cousin while she and baby were at the hospital, so I kept this visit short. Mom also watched the boys for an afternoon while I was at the LRC. They ran all over her. She described her day and I laughed upon hearing everything I knew to be their typical boy behavior. You would think she would be prepared for that, but somehow, she is always hoodwinked by my boys!

That's all. Oh and I totally screwed up a deadline in my online class and now I have to make all A's just to pass the stupid thing. boo hiss!

retail therapy and ebay woes

It's July already and I am feeling a little stuck in time. I had hoped to have so much more accomplished by now, but I know what happened and why. Without giving too much away, I became seriously sidetracked by an idea and I am amazed at how the situation in my silly-head parallels the situation in June 2007. Maybe I should start catching up on my astrology, something emotional, romantic and insane must be going on with the planets for me when Summer hits!! Words are so powerful. If not for a compliment given to me in a sequence of 16 words, my head would be relatively clear right now. I suppose I am easily flattered when it comes in bold form.

I have been humbled by selling on ebay. I rarely sell on my ebay account. But I became overly ambitious one day two weeks ago as my youngest son's 2nd birthday loomed and I decided to immediately clear away some baby gear by way of ebay auctions. I listed 8 items in one day, while basically placing the kids in front of Disney DVD's and Noggin all day! The house was a mess...okay, well more of a mess than normal. I believe that on that day, I picked up fast food for two meals. Anyway, it was not something I will take on in that way again. Silly me, I didn't realize that USPS shipping costs on large items like an exersaucer is ridiculously expensive. I underestimated the shipping cost, or actually, the dimensions of the box (which I hadn't even found yet). Well, after buying an $8 box, I realized that USPS was not going to work and that I basically could not afford to sell the item to the buyer afterall. I sent her a refund and an apology, with a humble offer to continue with the sale if I could charge her to ship the thing via DHL...which was a great deal on DH's business account, but still twice as much as the buyer was quoted. The buyer still wanted the item, so she paid again with the new amount and I sent it with DH the next business day and it's outta my hair! Now I wait for her to tarnish my rep with some negative feedback. Even though she got this thing for a STEAL! I later find tons of people locally on craigslist who are asking upwards of $50 for this particular exersaucer. I sold it for $12...minus the flippin' $8 BOX!!!!

The good news is, all the other items were shipped within my shipping estimations and a few items sold for better than expected. All in all, I think I made out better than I would have in a garage sale. But the whole shipping mess with all of it was a mess I don't want to do anymore. I will be listing really big items like carseat, stroller and pack-n-play on craigslist, priced to sell. I am seriously tempted to just haul it all to Goodwill as it's just 1/2 mile from my home, but I could use the extra cash.

I am on a mission for black strappy heeled sandals. I realized last month, while dressing nice for an anniversary date, that I had NO black heeled sandals! I donated my old ones probably last Fall. They were hard to part with, as they were adorable and had been such the go-to shoe for so long. I hadn't bought any other black strappies because I hadn't needed anything else! But they were worn, the weather was cold, I rarely go out, so I told myself to let them go and I would be on the lookout for another pair. Then I completely forgot. I have to buy the BEST ones out there, so I went to zappos.com and a few other sites and now have a list of about 5 that were perfect enough to choose from. I also checked out places I never shop, like Ross, Marshalls and TJMaxx, because DH had the kids one afternoon. I didn't find perfect black strappies, but I did find perfect casual brown leather flips and a brown leather pair of wedges.

Then on a whim, after taking ANOTHER look at these fabulous shoes that were being showcased on a blog, I drank a glass of wine and suddenly I just HAD to buy the last pair in my size of powder blue platform stiletto peep-toes at 6pm.com for 1/2 of original retail. I LOVE THEM, but I truly have nowhere to wear them appropriately and nothing that really goes with them. Still, they are beautiful and sexy and bold and they make me happy to look at and imagine myself out in public in them. I'll be 6 inches taller, which I remember from earlier days is an eye-opening experience to little me, a 5'3 girl who generally doesn't have a reason to wear heels anymore.

So what have I learned this summer? That decluttering 4 years of accumulation doesn't happen in a month unless you truly just haul it away in a truck. This process is going to take a while, the whole ebay experience is bittersweet because it did feel awesome to rid myself of a few big items, but the process took time away from my kids and took quite a bit of energy from myself. Babysteps are the way to go. Now, if I could just allow myself to have patience and let go of the crash and burn ambition that seems to come over me in cycles.

~Peace

BO's and SHE's

I love acronyms and slang. Such an inner circle thing! This week I have been back on the FlyLady wagon. Keeping my sink shining every night, emptying the dishwasher every morning, doing at least one load of laundry every day. My DH, much less D lately than he should be, is pretty organized, but only aesthetically, if you pull the furniture out, he leaves dustbunnies behind. I want clean and organized, but will only do it if it's done right! See, I am a perfectionist, if I don't have time to do the chore, or all the chores at one time, perfectly, then I become overwhelmed and I procrastinate. This spills over into other aspects of my life. Um, could be why I am still trying to finish college? DH is a BO (Born Organized, thanks FlyLady.net), so he cannot possibly understand why I am this way or explain to me how he is motivated to purposefully work, work, work, do, do, do even if the results aren't perfect. He is also one of the most unimaginative men I know. Perhaps the exact polar opposite of Nart. BO's do not know why they flit around from thing to thing putting things back here and there, they might claim that their parents taught them so, but how does that explain when a sibling doesn't live by the same rules? BO's cannot teach people like me. This brain doesn't re-wire itself overnight just because a BO called me lazy and unmotivated.

Anyway, thanks to FlyLady's inspirational writing (I have known about FlyLady since 2001 and am just now getting serious about it) I have discovered that I am possibly a SHE (sidetracked home executive), I can't get anything done, because when I want to do it, I want to do it all at once. I am learning to take baby steps and create new habits gradually and patiently. My home isn't really that terribly cluttered, but following these guidelines is HARD! So I have been shining the sink every morning (the first steps) and using a timer set for 15 minute intervals to address the kitchen, then the living room, then back to the kitchen, then a 15 min. break. It really works! I got much accomplished in just 45 minutes, who knew?? But yesterday, I got ambitious with the urge to reorganize the cabinet full of cosmetics underneath my sink. I didn't set a timer, I just worked on it while the kids were asleep. I got mostly through, but my project is in limbo until DH brings our label maker back home from the office. Instead of putting the basket of newly organized makeup bags back underneath the sink, I left them out...out of the fear that if I put them away, the same cluttering effect will occur. Madness!

So, here I am blogging when I should be showering, running a few errands, preparing gift for my cousin's baby shower on Saturday all before I pick up the kids this afternoon from the two-day a week parents-day-out program.

Next blog, maybe I will set a timer...

I still love Robert Downey Jr.

So I was in about sixth grade and ironically, taking a DARE class, when I first heard about the movie, Less Than Zero. I don't think I saw it all the way through, but I knew it had that cute Robert Downey Jr. in it and I thought he looked so good. I already knew who he was and considered him to be underrated, though as an oldest daughter with parents who shielded me from any R rated movie, I hadn't seen many of his films. I am pretty sure I caught Weird Science or The Pick Up Artist on HBO once or twice and noticed his charm there, and after watching Back To School (hilarious movie, BTW) over and over, I definitely had a crush on this guy. Anyway, I am rambling on. Less Than Zero put Robert Downey Jr. in the spotlight and I remember just thinking he was the coolest actor evah from then on.

Then he had those crazy arrests in the late 90's through 2001, remember? Didn't he get high and wander into someone's home? I vividly remember his mug shot shown everywhere, even on a local radio talk show billboard labeling him a "loser" for some related promotion, and that televised courtroom plea to a judge where he said, "It's like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and my finger's on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gunmetal". --Thanks Wikipedia, . It was heartbreaking! Oh yeah, and he was on Ally McBeal! I totally loved that! However, I recall feeling like there was no way Hollywood should turn their back on this guy, he seemed like the type who was really humble and vulnerable underneat, so as a fan, in his corner.

Which brings me to today. Now he has been successfully beating his addictions for several years and is back in the buzz. I have seen Downey Jr in the press circuit for the past couple of weeks promoting Iron Man and I have to say, he's even better! Still totally adorable, so my speed, cooler than ever. IMO, this is the cutest guy in Hollywood. I usually can't stand hero action movies, but this one I will see!

shopping, breaking those eggshells

I had a 30% off coupon with use of my Gap Card only available for a few days. So I trekked up to Gap and BabyGap to spend some dough. I spent $287 on both myself and both of the boys. The original total was $410, so I was thinking I did pretty well. I am not employed, so I do the banking in the family and I knew we were in good shape for me to start replenishing mine and my childrens wardrobes.

DH totally freaked out and became ugly. Not because we can't afford this. His reasons are more about control. I know that if I spent $50 on clothes a week for 6 weeks, he would never blink an eye and would probably be happy with every new ONE clothing item I would show him each week, but I don't have time to try and shop every week just to walk on eggshells and pretend that clothes don't cost money we notice. He apologized after he left and calmed down while taking Beeb to T-Ball practice. Meanwhile, after defending myself and standing my ground (I rarely cry anymore, it makes him worse anyway as he hates weakness) my heartrate was up, I felt like vomiting, and even now, my muscles remain tense for the rest of the entire evening. As he already returned with Beeb hours ago, he now sleeps soundly and without any tension, because nobody ever says disparaging things to him, nobody verbally attacks him, nobody constantly criticizes him, so he must be perfect and right with the world. People who get yelled at are the ones who suck, in his world, the blame the victim stuff of genius.

Why am I strong enough to endure this shit and yet not strong enough to tough out my Spanish class that I just dropped? There should be some sort of Communications Degree for still fighting fair after 8 years.

school and the rest

This is excerpted from an email I just typed to a friend, I added a few details, changed a few names and removed personal references to her, but it's a good summary of what's up right now and right now is all I can really wrap my head around:

Hey B,

Since we haven't met for coffee...

I am so down. I basically haven't made any progress in my spanish class since Boo broke his leg last month. Now that I am finally getting into a good routine with the management of this spica cast, I realize that that I am at a point of no return and I have to drop the class. I couldn't even play catch up if I wanted, it's an online class and I missed a ton of weekly deadlines that aren't even available for me to access anymore on the webCT. I could have done better, though it would have meant missing Easter, my friends wedding, missing Beeb's t-ball game, missing a great documentary about MLK last night, taking a much needed nap with my kids, spending every spare moment of time doing homework and with a house full of chores to keep up with and kids, I just couldn't bear the pressure. I am so disappointed in myself, it's sick! I hate that I am not organized or highly functional, I hate that I have never been so and I have a sinking feeling that I will never feel that joy in accomplishment that others seem to just find naturally; "goal met, next goal, goal met, next goal, met, next." I think a good fourth of my time is wasted trying to remember what I was going to do next. Because of the nightly care for this cast and changing the wrapping, cleaning, drying, etc...we don't get the boys to sleep until 9:30 and before all of this, I was doing pretty well at getting the lights out by 8PM, so that's a chunk of time taken away from studies as well! wah wah wah. I am however, grateful that Boo and Beeb are both doing so great, being so loving and silly and toddler-ish every day. They have no idea how this cast has stressed me out! Boo doesn't seem to know it's there, he even pulls himself up to cruise along furniture (and about gives me a heart attack!). Beeb can sing along with the song, Sexyback, how funny is that? They are my little boyfriends, seriously, and it's all about them.

The good news with school is, I am only 4 hours away from an AA in general studies...as if that degree matters for any particular field, but with my academia project going as slow as it is, it will be nice that if I have to enter the workforce again, at least I will be able to have something other than "some college." Once again, I am debating what to major in as I have a few options left in my very short list. Instead of International Studies, I am back to thinking English is a good pick for me. Any degree that will be a good springboard to law school one day. Except business degrees, I don't know why, but nothing sounds more boring and typical to me than a business degree!


I am planning to go to Tulsa on Mothers Day Weekend and stay for a few days, like I did last year. I. Can't. Wait. My plans to visit with friends, with their kids, sightsee and dine in Tulsa in December and during the weekend of that wedding in March were thwarted by circumstances beyond my control, it just can't happen a third time. Also, I love the Tulsa weather in May, it's just a perfect time, every time I go home at that time of the year.

W is moving back to Tulsa on April 19. She is still with her boyfriend, but he's staying in Dallas until it is certain that the job she is starting in OK will be lucrative and secure after a couple months of ramp up time. She'll be living at her step-sister's house and training to sell medical insurance to small businesses with someone her mom introduced her to.

Write when you can. I won't have time to meet for coffee until probably after the semester is over.

A

The Catalyst

This weekend was a lesson in humility. Perhaps I shouldn't be reading into it so much, but I feel like I have been getting subtle signs for a long time and because I ignored them, this finally happened.

For SIX weeks, I had planned with some of my friends to have a nice dinner out in the city. Before I picked the location, I simply picked the date and had asked my friends if a steak dinner would be a good idea. Everyone expressed interest and said they would go, my closest friend even helped me pick a restaurant. I picked a nice new restaurant with some trendy items on the menu and let everyone know the choice three weeks ago. At the time, the headcount was around 12-15, so I made a reservation. I had invited people from the same general circle who are mainly transplants from my hometown of Tulsa and this was to be a fun reunion of sorts, as some of them hadn't seen each other in several years. The list included, my close local girlfriends and their S.O.'s, my former roommate (male) and his friends from work whom I have known for years, and two girls who I have known for years through a mutual friend in Tulsa. These two have lived here for some time now and for some reason I had not yet befriended them. Shyness and self-absorption and distractability, I suspect.

Three days prior, I got a text message from one of my friends, exclaiming that she was really looking forward to it. The male former roommate also confirmed that he was bringing two of his friends. DH wasn't going to make it, for reasons I will go over shortly.

But by Saturday midday, my phone wasn't ringing. I texted the aforementioned friend to see if she wanted to carpool, since I would be going without DH. She responded that she was sick with the flu. I had a bad feeling about other guests, so I went ahead and called the restaurant to cut the reservation by half. I texted the male roommate, and he finally told me that the other two guys didn't want to go after all, so he was flaking out too, two hours before the reservation. Finally, the original person who I had made these plans with flaked out on me as well, saying that if it wasn't going to be a big party, then she and her S.O. didn't feel like going all out. She offered to grill out at her house. But I hadn't planned six weeks to just go to her house and sit on the patio. I wanted to go out, and I wasn't going to beg her and her guy to take me out somewhere, SO I cancelled the reservation and let the two girls who were still planning to go, know. I barely know these girls and they don't really know each other, so I didn't want to drag them down with me to the city just to have an expensive dinner with no reunion of old friends.

Both of those girls, L and S, called me after receiving my cancel text and were so nice to me! One even offered to just come up to my house and hang out, she was still up for doing something even if it was just me. But at this point I was so stressed and humiliated that I had already given up on the night entirely. I was hungry for the leftover Chick-Fil-A salad in the fridge and I wanted to just take off my makeup and crumple up into a loser ball.

DH was sympathetic, though it felt shallow because earlier he had sorely mistreated me. Plus he is constantly referring to my lack of friends compared to his wealth of them, indicating how superior he is to me. So this whole letdown was just more ammo for him to bring up when he wants to hurt me later, plus it was embarrassing. I suddenly felt stupid for thinking that 11 people would want to go to a fancy dinner with me just because I planned it. My ego was crushed.

Back to the signs part. For years, I have had this nagging feeling that I needed to cut out or cut back on some friendships. Stop living in the past and envisioning myself surrounded by a wealth of friends, sitting in some late night diner downtown in the 1990's. Sure I am still in touch with those who are still local, and due to time invested, they will be around now and then for a long while. But they are not what they were, time has changed things and they have moved on with their lives and I with mine. Or have I? I got married and had kids, each circumstance brought delays in social life, but I always considered this crowd to be mine as if I could just pick up after 3,6,9 years and everyone would still be down for dinner. BTW...they are for the most part, unmarried and in their upper thirties, without kids, so whatever it is keeping them from a social life with me is unknown to me, as kids and family have been really the only thing keeping me from them. The male roommate who finally cancelled actually referred to how pricey he had been told the restaurant was and joked that I could have planned something at Cracker Barrel in the suburbs. I made a mental note, and yes, I probably will try to meet him for supper somewhere like that if I ever plan anything with him in the future. But that's not worth hiring a babysitter, I would just bring them along if that's the case. I was insulted that he mentioned his problem with the restaurant choice with 2 hours to go. Why couldn't he have brought this up three weeks ago?

I believe, this night is to be the catalyst for change. The moment when I really give up on nurturing friendships that aren't doing me any good, the moment when I become a better friend to someone new. I am still baffled why I hadn't already befriended the two girls, L and S, who are both 39 years old, once I would have considered too much older than I, even though they look 29. Inviting them had truly been an afterthought, I figured since they were single, and since a few single guy friends of ours would be there, inviting them would help balance the mix. But I am so glad I made the gesture. I had such a pleasant conversation with L on Saturday, she wants to make plans to have a smaller girls night out later this Spring. She even mentioned that she had always heard that "that" crowd was a little flaky, so that's why she was never that close to them. I feel like I have made a new friend. Maybe one to replace another I have lost.

The reason for DH not planning to go to dinner with me was twofold. First, he didn't want to hire a new babysitter for the boys, his mother wasn't available to watch them, nor was their former caregiver who is also my neighbor, therefore, DH opted to stay home with them and let me go. I was disappointed, but it wasn't stopping me from going. But then, secondly, last week, my youngest broke his leg and is now in a spica cast. Even if I had been able to hire a new babysitter, DH and I wouldn't have trusted someone else to properly care for the cast while diapering, so DH would have stayed home anyway.

Thinking about the weekend exhausts me. I am already so tired. I am behind in my studies, now further behind due to my son's leg break and considering dropping one of my electives.

My envision for the weekend was completely all in my head. I won't be doing this again, with these friends. Hopefully, they will try to make plans with me individually in the future, but I am not going to be holding my breath and waiting for their call. It's time to move on, nurture new friendships, stop being so "loyal" to people who probably aren't even thinking of me and find a different crowd.

I have to make note, I do have a handful of close friendships with people who mean much more to me than the majority of my local friends. Unfortunately, they are scattered throughout the country, one in L.A., one in Chicago, and a few in Tulsa.

Someday, this is all going to be better. Too bad it seems to move at geologic time, a time when I both want faster change in my life and slower change from my children, who are growing faster than I am evolving.

The Eyes Room

Last Christmas, my older son received a "Cars" movie Lightning McQueen television and dvd player. It's very cute. When it is idle, the eyes roll around the screen:

My son was two at the time and he was initially frightened by the eyes. He was barely speaking clearly at the time, it took us a while to recognize that he wasn't saying "ice!" We put the tv in the spare bedroom and although he was over his fear of the rolling eyes within a few days, the room has been known as the "Eyes Room" ever since.

Nobody to go have drinks with!

I just finished my last final exam this semester! Because I do not have anybody to go grab a drink and celebrate with, on the way home from class, I returned a phone call from my best local friend. She was inviting me to join her later this week at a free encore screening of the new independent movie, "Juno." Okay, could the timing of this invitation be any more perfect? I have not had nearly enough girltime this season.

Saturday, I attended an "annual" Christmas party with DH, thrown by his best friends from HS. The last party was two years ago, so this reunion of sorts was long overdue. As I predicted, I did smoke too many cigarettes and drank too much; three pomegranate martini's. I think I talked everyone's ear off, accidentally insulted the host by wanting to share with her my interests in recycling, provoked confusion upon trying to explain why it's not tobacco that's so bad, it's all the chemicals added in...ah...the "shut up Andrea" switch just never works anymore. I was literally known as this silent girl all through my school years and I don't know what happened and why I became such a chatster. I did have some awesome and meaningful convo with a Russian immigrant and fellow SAHM I met, I need to contact the host to get her contact info! I need friends.

Sunday, I nursed a mean hangover and tried to study for finals, but...it didn't go too well and I took a long nap while the DH and the kids were out shopping and dining without me.

Now to write that wishlist!

Return to leisure within reach

By this time next week, I will be done with this semester. I am going to really miss my classmates in this intensive enviro sci class I am in. Two of them signed up to take a Geology class next semester, so I registered for the same class. I have really hated all the busywork required in this class. I have certainly learned a lot, but at this point, I actually do not care to learn a lot. I would rather just learn enough to get the credit and move on, school seems like it is just taking forever. The classmates I have gotten to know are in their mid-twenties and are all either married, divorced, or in a relationship. Only one of them has children, but not as young as mine are. Unlike my classmates, I am never in a hurry for class to end. I don't mind when the professor takes up the entire 3 hour class period. I only have home to return to...the same place I am stuck all day. School is my social life.

But I do have a Christmas party to look forward to this Saturday! And the weather is supposed to be mild, with lows in the mid-60's. This means I will probably be hanging out on the porch smoking cigarettes with the girls. I smoked from age 15-22, mostly on weekends and while drinking. I "quit" around the time I moved to Dallas, though I would occasionally "bum" from smokers if I happened to be around them, because the majority of my friends then weren't smokers. It was easy to quit, I was never addicted in the classic way. I think I never really smoked enough to become addicted. If I didn't have weekend plans, a pack used to last me a week or more. But...I do miss smoking (boo!! hiss!!). I am not afraid to admit it. It feels good (the nicotine, not the smoke in the lungs) and it just makes things seem cooler and laid back. I just wish that big tobacco companies would quit putting so many ridiculous chemicals in their cigarettes. WTF is cyanide in there? I am not enough of a smoker, or a tobacco conoisseur, to purchase organic cigarettes, if such a thing is easily available somewhere. That would be nice though, wouldn't it? Anyway. This home Christmas party is always a good time, I can't wait. So worth missing out on some studying time. I hope to kick out the boys on Sunday so I can "geek-out" (thanks AJ) on homework all alone and get this material down.

I noticed this while working on a group research project last week. Two spaces after each sentence is no longer the standard according to the MLA. 2 of 4 of us in the research group type two spaces after our sentences. MLA guidelines say that either is okay, it depends on the professor. Apparently the two space rule applied to typewriter use. Since everyone uses electronic software that automatically adjusts paragraph spacing now, it is no longer necessary. Okay, I didn't get the memo. So any suggestions about how to get myself out of the reflexive habit?!?! I feel like I sound old complaining about this. The other person in my class who types two spaces is only 22, so I didn't feel so bad after knowing that it wasn't just me. Apparently, she must have been taught by an old school professor. Oh, these little obsessions. We got an A BTW. AJ and I stayed up until 4AM working on the project via Yahoo IM. I never do that. If not for AJ's obsession for perfection, I would have wrapped it up by at least 1AM, I am 7 years older than she is, I know my limits and I can allow myself to say, "it just isn't worth it."

After this semester is over, I plan to blog more, figure out a good agenda for my mini-trip back to Tulsa, plan a pampered chef party that I got suckered into hosting (WTF am I going to invite?), figure out how to make Christmas gift buying easy on myself this year (i.e., as much as I loathe them, it's going to be giftcards galore this year...blame it on school), and finally, I want to finish reading a book I started back in August.

Back to the boredom of all the enviro science I never wanted to know.

Peace!

Thanks on a Black Friday

Thanksgiving at the in-laws was the usual. My apple butter pumpkin pie was a hit, though I noticed it was a bit more sour than the year before. DH planned to hit the doorbusters this morning, but he did not wake up until after 6 AM, so he "missed" a few opportunities on electronics. Instead he shopped through the late morning for good deals on less sought after merch, such as sheets and khaki slacks. DH also upgraded our nearly 3 year old cell phones while he was out, my new one is red and quite pretty. There were no Black Friday deals, today was just a good day to get some tasks accomplished.

I have about 5 assignments due within the next five days and I am stressing out. Unfortunately, I work best under pressure and even though I have very little time this weekend to complete my work, because it is all five days out, I can't seem to wrap my head around it all right now. I can never get in the right mindset until crunch time! I have been this way for my entire life, seriously, I recall procrastinating homework in 2nd grade. I do not know how to change, though I desperately want to. I suspect that there is a prescription drug for this problem, only I am too afraid to ingest any more chemicals than I already do in this chemical soup of a world.

One of my assignments this week is to complete a chemical exposure profile. I have only researched some of the basics so far, shampoo, makeup, toothpaste...and all of the products I use are of moderate risk and contain plenty of chemicals I don't want. That's not even including the ones I don't have a choice about, like second-hand smoke and car exhaust on the road.

lunch break time...and no, it ain't a turkey sandwich.

What is 32

My school semester is coming to an end and I am looking forward to the break. I have been studying some troubling subjects! Genocide in my World Lit class, doom in general in my Environmental Sci class. Some of it is hard to think about, in particular, Armenian Genocide. Gosh.

So I am very ready to buy gifts for my siblings and family, as well as myself. I ordered a cute blue coat and a pair of Rocketdog sneakers online the other day. I haven't bought a new coat in about seven years. Which makes me feel old. grr.

What is 32 anyway? Am I old? Certainly some 32 yr olds look old and woefully unhip. Is this what I am when you strip off the makeup and the minimal amount of fashionable/current wardrobe? I long to be 28 again. That was the year I got pregnant. Now, two children later I truly feel like I have aged 10 years AND like this was the fastest 4 years of my life!

I think I talk about age too much with my classmates in one of my night classes. It's a lab class, so there is a lot of interaction. The 4 I talk to the most are 22, 25, 26. I find myself comparing aspects of my life to theirs in a self-deprecating way and pointing out the difference that 6+ years makes. I can't help it, I try not to do this too much, but it truly amuses me.

I will actually miss my classmates a lot, I doubt they will miss me, because they actually have lives (people who call them up all the time during class, lots of friends, jobs). I don't have much of an adult social life outside of school. DH and I meet up with friends about once every few months, and generally, because he has a ton more local friends than I, it's with his friends anyway. I am so alienated. I know this will change in the future, when my kids are a little older, when I get back into the workforce...but waiting sucks and I am wishing I could capitalize on my age while I am still under 35, if that makes any sense.

Meanwhile, I am very happy this week because my youngest son (16 months old) is FINALLY sleeping through the night. I completely weaned him from nursing last week, amazing to me how weaning just works like a sleep charm for breastfeeding moms. He took a little longer than his older brother did on the sleeping through the night thing, but thankfully, he has always been much easier than his older brother was to soothe back to sleep, so it was really never an issue.

I bought new bras. They are 2 cup sizes smaller than the ones I bought in between pregnancies in 2005. There was no point in following the "check bra size every 6 months" during this time. I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding (I was still nursing my oldest when I became pregnant with the youngest) since late 2003! This is the first time in THREE years that my body has belonged to me completely. Anyway, the difference is amazing, I look completely different in snug clothing now. I cannot wait to buy more new bras.

I am still thinking about blogging about some issues I mentioned before. I thought about the history one for some time and the other night it just spilled out. I have a lot more to dish about Julie G., as one could imagine, so this note will serve as my reminder later.

Peace!

Nart-bad experience, good story

In April of 1998, I was 22. I met a guy in the club scene and thought he was incredibly unique, different than anyone I had ever met and at the time, the most intellectual man I ever knew romantically. He seemed perfect for me, he even had a distaste for major professional sports. I will call him Nart (short for Narcissist Artist, or maybe Not Art, they both work). We fell for each other fast, but not in a graceful way. We met at a club, we went to bed too quickly and we never really went on a first date. Then he fell out of love just as fast, but he kept hanging on to me too, even though he quickly stopped saying, "I love you." We had never established a strong commitment, but he did not want to break up, so I pretended I was okay with continuing to see him in whatever way he let me in. I let other guys have my number again and maybe take me on one date now and then, but it was fraudulent...as most of the time, I was just waiting for Nart to call back. Nart always did call and show up on my doorstep just enough to keep me locked in, I saw him about once a week at least for several more months. BTW, neither of us had cell phones at this time. He did not like me dating other guys, but he would not ask me for exclusivity either. He claimed he was busy with work and otherwise just the usual philosophizing about existentialism. I fell for it, though I was honest about continuing to see other guys and assumed he was being honest as well in his claim that he was not seeing anyone, that all of his time was spent on work. Trouble was, even though I met some great guys, my wasted heart just wouldn't let me actually be interested in any one else but Nart anyway. So I kept busy, but my head was wrapped around Nart all the way through the first week in Dec. I had also gone from weighing about 103 to 93 lbs. I couldn't sleep at night. I was anxious all the time. I was becoming alienated from friends and often choosing to stay home alone rather than go out.

Then one day, Nart came over late at night in an odd mood, spoke of his regret and feelings for me and made plans to hang out with me later that week. This wasn't unusual, he would give me a similar spiel about once a month. I became hopeful that he was coming back around to desiring me as a real girlfriend (there was a reason he was giving me hope at this certain moment, explanation at the end). But I was growing weary of this routine, I wanted to believe him, but previous behavior indicated to me that he would be back to being distant within a week. At this point, I did not care about dignity. I just wanted a straight answer.

On the evening we had plans, he had not called all day. So I called him at work before close, he didn't answer. Within minutes, "he" called back from work (proved by caller id), I answered, but was hung up on. Because he did not call back immediately after he must have "accidentally" hung up, I called again and no answer. Minutes later, same thing, he called back but hung up on me upon answer. This act was repeated several times and though my intuition was screaming otherwise, I told myself that something must be wrong with his office phone equipment. Then the phones were silent for a while, he stopped calling and hanging up on me, and I certainly wasn't dialing his office. Obviously, I had tried his home as well. So after time had passed (or enough time to drive home) his home number called me and hung up when I answered. A few more back and forth phone calls continued and by this point I knew it was deliberate and I knew the relationship was over. I did not bother leaving a message asking "Why the F*$# do you keep calling me and hanging up when I answer?" This might have changed the dynamic of what was happening because what I didn't know was that he had no idea what was going on, all he knew was that I kept calling over and over for no reason.

I totally gave up on this mystery around bedtime. I desperately wanted an explanation, but he wasn't answering my calls and I was so angry at him for mocking me/prank calling/whatever that I went to bed in furious tears. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I had a feeling of closure, like I knew I wasn't going to be hanging on to this creep much longer, if for no other reason than because this was just over-the-top cruelty!

Within the hour, the phone rang and a "wireless caller" was on my caller id. I answered and a girl started talking really fast. She sounded angry, but blurted out sarcastically, "Hello Andrea, I just left Nart's, so you can call him now!" and she promptly hung up before I could say a word. I had no idea who she was, so I wasn't really embarrassed if she thought I was a psycho caller.

So I did call him. As I dialed, I was thinking this might be the very last time. He answered right away and he sounded annoyed. He did not want to talk, said he had been busy and was very tired now, but he did make it clear that he thought it was ridiculous that I had called so many times! When I told him a girl had just called me and told me she had just left his place, he claimed it must have been Beady, his friend (whom I knew of), who had been over to talk because she was having problems with her boyfriend...though he sounded suddenly shaken. In complete astoundment at his audacity to be annoyed by my "unwarranted" phone calls, I asked him why then did he keep f$#*ing calling me and hanging up? He began to deny this, but I quickly referred to my caller id as undeniable proof that he called from both work and home. Suddently he fell silent, realizing that if he said another word, he was exposed. Immediately, he wanted nothing more than to get off the phone and go to bed, he was extremely tired, was in a bad mood and had to go. So I let him without a protest. I still had no idea what had gone on, I just knew that this was enough evidence that he didn't like me anymore, did not respect me, did not even pretend to care about my feelings and I my emotions were spent with him. I promised myself I would never call him again and I would never again be in this situation with any man.

The next day at work, I filled out Christmas cards. I decided to sent one to Nart with a quick note inside, detailing my decision to effectively end the relationship. I actually apologized for giving him grief over being committed to me, but I also frankly told him that I was not equipped for this kind of a relationship and that I was ending it and would not call him anymore. I believe I even asked that he respectfully leave me alone as well. It was a good note, I was symbolically forgiving him for stringing me along for so many months and acknowledging that I had finally found the strength to let go. He did not deserve this kindness.

No sooner had I put the card in the mailbox after work, that the wireless caller showed up on my caller id again just as I was about to leave for my 2nd job, waitressing at Outback. She introduced herself, I will call her "Julie Gianni," as she acts much like the Vanilla Sky character. So immediately, I recognized that she was not Nart's friend, Beady, after all. Julie said she 19, an exotic dancer, and was Nart's GF (in a mutually committed relationship) of 3 months. She admitted that it was she who had been with Nart the evening before (she met up with him at his office and followed to his apartment as well) and that she had called my number behind his back while she was with him because she knew that I would react by calling back. She wanted to see what he would do when I called numerous times. She got in a fight with him because he wouldn't just answer my call and tell me he was with his GF, stop calling, etc. He had claimed to her that I was his psycho-ex and he didn't want to answer. So there was my story. I told her that he had stayed the night at my house only 3 days before but that I was done with him, indicated in a letter I had just sent. She said she had suspected something, as 3 days before, the two had been in a big fight and she had threatened to break up with him, then left, then she did not know where he was that night. I told her I was done with him and I was never calling him again. She claimed that she was done with him as well. I really didn't care if she was or wasn't, though I was thankful that she had called me back and explained since I never would have gotten such a disclosure from Nart.

Julie and I kept in touch intermittantly over the years. I don't know if this was good or bad, but I will refer to her whole other story later.

OMG, right?

My 1990's History.

I am proud to say that I have an amazing memory of what happened when. For example, I remember the month and year (April 1997) that I introduced one of my best friends to the guy who would eventually become her husband...and she doesn't. She actually gets the years mixed up. Years ago, she was claiming that she met him "over ten years ago," and of course, I corrected her. She just doesn't remember dates, even though she will try to argue...even against times when I had kept journals and orderly photo albums and I know without any doubt when something occurred, she will still argue [something else] that "it just couldn't have been 2002, that was like 8 years ago!!" And although she keeps herself and her home impeccably organized on the surface, her best photos are stored in one album, all out of order. However, another best friend of mine is almost just like me in this respect, but I have determined that it's because she and I are both Virgos, and it's one of the few traits we share. Most people I know just do not care when something happened, it's the past, so whatev, right?

I really care. And it helps me remember where I took wrong turns. Back to the previous blog we go.

I do this periodically, it's a mania I suppose, as if I am going to forget, I write down years and months and what I was doing when. Often I will add a big emotional event as well, even if it was all internal. Here I will stick to the surface level events. It starts after high school, though truly, the trend began much much earlier.

1994. Spring of Sr. year. Broke up with long term boyfriend. Started working at Hooters as a hostess. Met lots of friends at my school and through my BFF who went to a new school. Dated a lot of guys all summer. Quit Hooters, was unemployed, living at home on an allowance with no responsibilities. Started community college, dropped out within a month because I slept in an skipped class. Went out almost every night of the week with my girlfriends.

1995. Began work at Applebee's. Enrolled again in community college both that Spring and Fall semester, but now that I both work AND go out all the time, skipping class was even more tempting, so I dropped out again. "Dated" a lot of cute guys, went out a lot, even more than before with the girlfriends. Became enchanted/distracted by a guy who wasn't right for me. Was arrested for DUI on Thanksgiving Eve.

1996. I didn't bother enrolling in school. Though I did make loose plans with my mother to attend a university...but "we" didn't plan properly and I missed a deadline for something and gave up. Drove for several months with a breathalyzer in my car. No matter, friends would pick me up to go out and I still went out a lot. The breathalyzer had malfunction issues, as it was relatively new technology and out of fear it would leave me stranded, I insisted that the installation company remove it. Therefore, my license was immediately revoked. I took the risk and continued myself to only driving to work...carefully. I got pulled over once for speeding, but the officer let me go, though he wrote the speeding ticket. I hung out with different friends than before now, friends who preferred clubs over college bars. These friends helped me get a fake id and I stopped hanging out with the girls from the previous year. Worked a lot to pay off that fine though, so there were actually weekends that I didn't go out. I did not date a lot this year, I was still hung up on the wrong guy from 1995. Started work at Outback Steakhouse and I quit Applebee's. In the Fall of 1996, I was "assaulted" at a party in my sleep (at least 10 of us crashed there) by a male coworker I naively considered to be a friend. I told my manager what happened, he took my side and convinced the owner to transfer him to the Outback across town. Was quite traumatized, though I knew it could have been worse. The whole restaurant staff seemed to know what happened and I think a few thought I had instigated and over-dramatized this incident.

1997. DUI drama over, I continued to meet new friends. Mom had enough of me and wanted me out of the house, coincidentally, a cool female coworker needed a replacement roommate. I am 22 years old this year and it was so great to move out. My roommate was 25 at the time and I became fast friends with her older friends as well. One of our mutual male friends was being transferred with his job to either Dallas or Phoenix that summer...because everybody who likes a social life gets sick of Tulsa eventually, he asked if anyone wanted to move with him. My roommate and I volunteered. BTW, college was a distant memory, something I told myself I could do later. After I felt I had partied enough, I guess. My roommate and I both secured jobs with Outback in the Dallas area and the three of us moved in July 1997. All summer, I was dating Smith, a pretty cool, and unbelievably good-looking guy who still lived in Tulsa. Though since Spring, I had been taking long distance phone calls from a 21 yr old guy from Denver that I met on AOL. I'll refer to him as "TJ." Smith had enough of our long-distance relationship and had undoubtedly noticed my emotional distance, because by mid-Fall, he effectively dumped me. THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN BROKEN UP WITH and truly, my ego was bruised, but I was not at all heartbroken over it as I had not been in love with Smith. All other heartaches were caused by guys who just weren't my boyfriend in the first place, or rejected me, whatever you call it. TJ and I were very close, but he was afraid to just fly to Dallas to meet me in person. Then TJ's dad finally got tired of the phone bills after TJ had dropped out of college (to work for his dad) and moved back home. TJ called every now and then, but got annoyed hearing about guys I was dating. We loosely kept up over email for the next few years, in between other relationships.

1998. In the Spring, call me a player. I dated a lot of guys, I broke some hearts, I was probably insensitive, I was probably arrogant. I drank really heaviliy. No more beer at little bars for me, my roommate and I only went to the most happening clubs and we were VIP all the way, no waiting in line, I drank Stoli Citron on the rocks. For my birthday in September, I went to visit my girlfriend Whit who had recently moved to Los Angeles. I had a blast and I longed to save up enough money to move out there with her. I started my first office job at an allergy clinic as an appointment receptionist, I still waited tables at night at Outback. I stopped going out as much with friends in Dallas. Three of my closest friends had boyfriends anyway, so social life was slowing down. I had not made enough new friends in Dallas, so I just worked and stayed home a lot. I was tired all the time and barely eating. *Read blog about Nart.

1999. The year started off in serious party mode. I was working a lot, I originally wanted to save up money and move to L.A. with Whit. Later, I even quit both of my jobs and tried exotic dancing for a little while, about 5 months. I have no problem admitting that I was awful at it, I did not know what I was doing and it made me very uncomfortable. I ended up only going in about twice a month, just enough to make money to pay the bills and eat. TJ had announced he would be visiting Dallas because he had a friend in the area who went to college here. But the time came and passed and he had not contacted me. Later when he was back at home, he claimed he was too scared to call me and risk being rejected upon meeting me. I was annoyed and had became disenchanted with TJ over the year anyway, he was beginning to sound bitter and judgmental when we rarely spoke by phone. I was happily single, I had lost so much weight during the Nart months that I was looking really good and I could wear anything and not look suggestive. My friends were single again, I was meeting a few new friends too. A bunch of us went to Mardi Gras and unfortunately I was filmed by GGW (which was Banned From TV at the time, I believe). Yep, they caught me on camera, I did not sign anything or have any idea of the consequences, but I would end up one of their video covers and in one of their first commercials a year later. Back in Dallas, I had met and started dating Gonzo in February...he fell in love fast, I was hard-to-get, he was reliable and loved me so, and offered me my life on a platter. He was only 26, but he proposed to me after dating for only about 5 months. We were married in Las Vegas before knowing each other 6 months. I quit dancing and didn't have a job all summer. Gonzo made me sell my old, but paid-off car and leased a brand new Jetta for me instead. For a month, I worked as an admin sale asst with a friend in electronic sales, but it was a bad company and we both quit. By Fall, Gonzo had introduced me to a recruiter who found a telecom position for me. The job was fun and the salary was more than I had ever made, so I was happy and I had no desire to go back to college at this moment in my life. I mentioned it to Gonzo as one of my future goals, he said, "later..." After the mess that was 1998 and early 1999, I finally felt like my life was on track.

Oh what little I knew about the economy at this point in my life.

Disconnected footnote: This was the last year I celebrated New Year's Eve, we went to Deep Ellum by shuttle bus with a large group to bring in the millenium.

And this is where I will leave it for now. 2000-2007 can wait.

How much longer?

Today is just like any other day. Unremarkable. But it's one of those days that I feel the personal gravity of the unremarkable. On the surface, I should be so grateful for what I have, right? I am married, I have 2 beautiful and precious young children, I am able to stay home with my children. And yes, having children is the most blessed thing ever, truly. But the rest, the reality of the rest of the equation, feels anything but.

I haven't made the best choices in my life. For example, I blew off fully paid tuition (by a now deceased grandfather) in the mid-90's in favor of social life and restaurant work. Even though, somehow, other kids I worked with were getting it done, I just couldn't pull it together and suck it up, so I dropped out. I moved to a new state with friends only to continue working as a waitress and party even more. College was an afterthought. I got married in Vegas in 1999 at age 23 after dating my husband for 5 months. I started a real job in the booming telecom industry and then the bubble burst...after we had built a new house. I started a new job that was relaxed and leisurely, but I was too afraid to take on full time college hours so I went part time. Then I had babies, three years flew by, and I suddenly even though I feel like it's still 2003, I am not in my twenties anymore.

I think I am making progress now, but it's all catch up. Here I am, 32, no college degree, not having worked in 3 years, totally financially dependent on a husband. How much longer? How many more unremarkable days/months/years/decades? When will "my" time come?

Loung Ung and other unrelated obs

Do you know who Loung Ung is? In my world lit class, we had to read her book,"First They Killed My Father." This book happened to be chosen as our school's "book in common," so all related English/Comp classes at my college were reading it as well.

So I read the book last month and this woman immediately became my new hero.

I went to her presentation tonight at my school, it was moving, but disappointing for me because it was so crowded (and I know that at least 60% of the kids there were solely there for the extra credit offered by their instructors for going) and I was seated kinda far away. I was thinking this would be a fairly intimate setting, hoping to get a picture with her, etc. But no. And the line for the book signing was a good 20 minutes long, even as the teenaged-student-coordinators rushed us through...telling us to have our books open to the proper page for signing in order to expedite the process, blah blah blah. And of course, I totally think that a good percentage of the kids getting the signatures just want to sell it or something.

Have I mentioned how concrete 18 and 19 year olds are? So many of them simply cannot understand nuance. I know their brains are still undeveloped, I get that, I have been there. But there have got to be sharper teenagers out there somewhere ... just not in my class at my local community college. My world lit class happens to be my only day class, and compared to my night classes, where the average age is probably 25, is like "night and day!" I literally drop my jaw at some of the stupid things that the kids in my lit class say. Of course, I sit in the front, next to an counter-culture 25 year old single mom who is quite smart, if overly analytical and argumentative, she is even less tolerant of the pure stupidity than I, she rolls her eyes at me and glares when the dumb people start in on their nonsense. My poor professor too, geez. Every time we have a writing assignment, she spends half the next class explaining how she graded and why/how to make papers of collegiate level. (obvs, she is not referring to my papers! and don't judge my writing by my blogging, I don't edit these things) She shouldn't have to be telling us how she expects a college level essay to be written, pre-reqs for the class include Composition I and II. When the prof gives examples from student essays that were C or below, I quite honestly don't know how these people graduated from HIGH SCHOOL! And I actually have to make an effort to keep quiet in class because I have noticed that the only people who have really anything to contribute to the literary analysis are me and the 25 y/o girl. So I shut up sometimes to see what other people might have to say and well ... crickets! Again, my poor professor!

By the way, I now have a major crush on men 200-300 years in the grave. Rousseau and Baudelaire. Can I just say....twisted but sexy!

Anyway, Loung Ung. I don't know if I was thinking I would show up at this presentation and be her new BFF or what. I barely got to say, "Thanks for writing this..." at the book signing. Oh well. Very inspiring woman. Very good book. Easy to read too, it's not too long and it's one of those you don't want to put down because it's so heartbreaking, even more so since I am reading it as a mother. I related to it more than I would of a story of say, genocides in less developed nations, because Ung was a child living a nice city life in 1975 when the Khmer Rouge came into power and evacuated everyone. She's my generation too, experienced the 1980's in America, so that helps with relatability as well. I guess I will just have to be her vicarious best friend she doesn't know about, that's how well one feels they know her after reading that book. And the presentation tonight demonstrated her personality as an adult and it was truly just what I expected. Very very cool, inspirational, humble, human, real, bold.

I will keep her in mind while I am researching Armenian Genocide information for an upcoming group research project (yes, the 25 y/o is one of my partners, TG).

caught a break, a busy weekend.

It's been an interesting month, well for me anyway, as I do not get out much anymore.

I got caught up with my academics just in time for a whirlwind of activity during the first week in October. I finally took the boys to have portraits made, my eldest turned 3 in August but he had a big bug bite on his cheek so I delayed. Then procrastination took it's share, so this milestone photography session was a bit overdue. My mother came into town on a Wednesday, a couple of days early to help me watch the boys during "OU/Texas weekend," when a large group of friends (well, okay...the majority are better classified as acquaintances as I have been out of the loop in domestic suburbia for so many years) from OK drive down to Dallas to watch the game and hang out. Thursday, I had a morning class, then I picked up mom at my house, we had a quick bite to eat, then on to pick up my two sons at their Parents-Day-Out program, and we drove into the city for a matinee showing of The Lion King. My youngest made it well through the first act, but after intermission, I had to retreat to the lobby a couple of times. No matter, I caught the same show in 2002 and my intention this time was all about sharing it with my mom and my 3 yr old, who both loved it. After it was over, we hit 5 o'clock traffic as well as congestion cauged by the neighboring State Fair of Texas as we headed back North. I made a quick stop at a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru, dropped mom and the boys off at my house, grabbed my books and headed straight back to the campus for my evening class. I ate my sandwich during the 15 minute drive. I was about 8 minutes late but I was told I didn't miss anything.

No time to rest easy. Friday morning, I gathered up my sons and my mom and we headed right back downtown to attend the State Fair. My last visit was in 2005 and I had a craving for a corny dog and a fresh squeezed lemonade. Unfortunately, the two locations to find each item were not close to one another, so I ate the corny dog upon arrival and grabbed a lemonade just before our departure for the long walk back to the car. The most pleasant part about the fair was the wine garden and 1 oz wine samples (for 2 tickets @ $.50 each). I also appreciated the highly air-conditioned, agricultural expo, where free samples of ice-cream, meats, salsas, etc. could be found. Anyone with two toddlers in tow knew this was a big help. If I had not been with the children, I would have loved to spend more time here, but my mind quickly moved on to the rest of the weekend's agenda. I found myself incredibly sore-muscled after two days worth of hauling toddlers and walking long distances over parking lots and such in Dallas. But this was just the beginning...

Friday evening, DH's flight arrived back in town arrived in time to let him clean up and go back out with me, downtown again, to meet my OK friends in the West End. We had a good time, rather seperately, but good nonetheless. Saturday morning was hectic with obligations to the children, then we had to go back into Dallas in the afternoon to watch the game at a movie theater grill and bar with my friends. Once it was over, we headed home once again. Said goodbye to my mom, as she had to be back in Tulsa for an early morning nursing shift on Sunday. I grazed on some food that DH prepared for supper with the boys, got dressed and headed out to Dallas for the last time to meet the same friends, Saturday night style. I couldn't do a lot with my hair, it was drizzly and humid outside, so I pulled it back in a neat ponytail, making sure my highlights swept nicely. I wore one of my favorite new dresses for only the second time, I knew this would be the last time I would be seen in it until maybe next Spring and I wanted to make sure I looked as good as possible in it in case someone took pictures. Virtually no one did, but read on...

Saturday night I had arranged to pick up a girl (who is an OK native, but lives here and is also a part of this social circle) and a guy (a cousin of an OK friend, who was currently carless) on the way, I really didn't either of them very well, but they provided nice company nonetheless. We went to an upscale bar right in the heart of downtown that used to be called something else about 7 years ago. I found that this fact alone was making me feel old. The rest of the group from OK (we're talking around 30 people in this crew alone by 11 PM) met the three of us there, I realized that the members of the group has really changed since I was first introduced to this circle a good 11 years ago. Bottom line is, while some of these faces have been showing up at OU/TX weekend for a few years, there was only one person out who I knew really well. I could refer to him as the "social chairperson" of this circle, as it literally revolves around his good-natured friendship and outgoing personality. But he was busy entertaining his entourage and anyway, I already felt like I was caught up with him convo-wise. I was bored. I decided to go walk around on my own and create some drama. I found one of the "chairperson's" girl friends with the Posh-spice haircut, walking by after she had disappeared a while before, I overheard her say that she had been hanging out in VIP with some guys. I immediately grabbed her elbow and frankly told her, "I am following you." She laughed and drunkly told her much-older girl friend that they were going to "show me how it's done!" I was a little humiliated by this, but I remembered she didn't know me, she was new to this group relatively speaking of course, so I quickly brushed it off knowing I would be on my own once I was introduced to whomever had invited her to VIP anyway. It was going to be worth it, I was so bored with the company I had brought. I quickly made sure that the girl and the guy I came with had people to talk to. She did, as she found a friend from high school among the OK crew and I encouraged her to be bold and go talk to him. And the guy I had carpooled was doing fine on his own, he was "chairperson's" cousin anyway, so I didn't feel obligated to hang out with him.

"Posh" led me over to VIP and I had a great night from there on. The VIP table was occupied by three polo players from Houston, aged 21, 25, and 30 interestingly, who were also in town for the OU/TX game. Posh seemed originally interested in the 30 yr old, but it was apparent to me that her interest was more about being at a VIP table and getting the benefit of free drinks...as the table included bottle service. The older girlfriend had some older, cigar smoking, sweet-looking, middle-eastern man dancing with her all night, I didn't confirm, but I don't think he was company of the polo players, just another VIP guest. The 21 year old (who was cute, but looked more like he was 18) was seated next to me, so we talked a little. He was vague to me, I figured he was either shy or unfriendly or simply uninterested in me, I just couldn't pin it. Later, I just decided he was just kind of young and awkward. Both the 30 yr old and the 25 yr old were hospitable and friendly. I got along very well with the 25 yr old. Though I think he noticed I was wearing a ring too late into the conversation. I have to give him credit for still appearing interested even after learning I had two young children. After he brought up the topic of my marriage, the conversation seemed to sort of cool off into awkwardness during the last 15 minutes before closing time. He and the 30 yr old then filled gaps in conversation with observations about the two weird girls.....Posh and her older girl friend. All in all, OU/Texas weekend was an offbeat one this year, yet the conversation in that last hour was something I will remember for a while. I still can't believe I was so alone at a bar. Even when I was single, this was 8 years ago, I was always surrounded by friends and people I knew. This night was like tagging along with tourists, it didn't even feel like I was in my own city. Except that my driving was excellent and I didn't get lost once.

BTW, I never had more than two drinks each night. Next time I will cap it at one. While I wasn't too hungover, the weekend on a whole took me at least three days to recover from. I was sore from hauling the children around, tired from staying out late twice in a row, fatigued from poor diet and just all the driving back and forth from Dallas to the 'burbs.

The next weekend was supposed to be agenda-less. I forgot that another friend from home was coming into town, for a speech pathology conference. She had recently decided not to stay at my house, out of fear she would get lost driving to the conference inside the hotel. I had been disappointed about her choice to stay elsewhere in the beginning, but it was actually a relief, the house was still in chaos since all the chores had been forsaken the previous weekend. DH gave me time to go study at my school's LRC on Saturday, then later that evening, he watched the boys while I picked up my friend at her hotel to go out to dinner. I made the mistake of suggesting a trendy sushi place, though my first choice had been a new turkish restaurant in Deep Ellum, she picked the sushi place. And she ended up really hating on it all night. It's a little bit of a snubby place, overpriced with average service and filled with a few too many wannabes. I tend to just enjoy the experience, but being tolerant is not her style. Due to the environment and the subjects of our conversations (like her sheer annoyance at being mistaken by a tourist in her hotel for a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader--just sucks to be that attractive at 32, eh? pleeze), the whole experience was just negative for me as I held my tongue and squinted my eyes and nodded through it. I drove her back to her hotel and then back home, feeling really down the whole way at the recognition that maybe this isn't my most like-minded friend after all these years.

DH was invited at the last minute to go to our friend's house to watch the Cowboy's v. Patriots on Sunday. Everyone in this circle has kids, so of course, the whole family was invited. I still needed to study, but DH only offered to take the 3 yr old because with two kids, he knew he wouldn't get to watch the game. This left me no option at all to study, as the 1 yr old is more work than the 3 yr old anyway. I decided to forgoe studying and just go as a family. I had a great time anyway, I really love talking to all the wives and hanging out with the kids, age range of the 10+ kids was 0-5, I believe. Needless to say, I was quite busy supervising my children the whole time, as there was a large variety of outdoor and indoor things to do at this friend's large house so I didn't get to watch the game at all. Begs me to wonder, would DH have managed only being able to watch a little bit of the game if he had to take the kids by himself? There was one man there whose wife had other obligations and he was there with his two little ones, he certainly missed a lot of the game, but he was okay, as the rest of the us collectively helped each other with all our kids. Could I have demanded my study time?

Now I am at the end of another school week. I was way behind on my studies, but I caught a break. Two actually. It turns out, I will have no penalties for turning in one assignment late. The other assignment I thought was due today is actually due next week, so I have extra time to actually complete the darned thing. AND blog this, please forgive the run-on sentences and lack of good editing...that stuff takes more time I can't carve out right now.

I have so much more to blog about but I will leave it here for now. Next time: the significance of TJ, the boys-Halloween, observations in community college as a 32 yr old SAHM who feels 25 again.

Peace!

Says Future Cougar.. and the rest of the day

to the attractive young male student leaving the LRC at "quadC" in Frisco the other night, thank you for the glance and smile. Yep, FC knows this is so superficial and vain, but hormones rule and the nuance of attraction couldn't have come at a better time.

In a world lit class this morning, the prof seemed disappointed in the grades from last week's essay test. She said only two students had received an A, the rest were mostly C's and some D's. Uh oh. She proceeded to give a detailed explanation of her "holistic" grading system and I was sweating it. My mind kept saying, "stupid, stupid, stupid..." I was sure that my analysis was shallow and vapid, remembering a few ideas I had written just to fill the page.... And then she handed back the tests and I had an A. Oh, sorry, self.

I have been unintentionally losing some weight. Stress, restless (flickering switchboard again) and lack of sleep does this to me. My stomach growls but I have no appetite. I completed a nutrition assignment this month in which I tracked my food intake for one week on mypyramidtracker.gov. The expected result is that the report will show that we typical Americans are over-fed and under-nourished, but my statistics indicate both under-fed and under-nourished. Well, flip. It's a good day if I drink enough water, take the multivitamin, the zinc, the calcium and the dose of C and manage to eat at least one full meal at one time with one vegetable. Intention not synonymous with action, dah. And speaking of the the Zinc, it's still working.

Major obsessions of the summer have waned. Over Orangina. And likewise, over the all-in-my-head silly window I opened on 4/13/07, VML is not what I thought and blissfully, my affection for "it" just disappeared over Labor Day Weekend after a polite, slightly disaproving and most definitive email. The senitment says it all. Good stuff!

Really missing my Tuesday Yoga Stories from last year. Gosh I wish I hadn't deleted those. Also missing the class, a lot.