Today is just like any other day. Unremarkable. But it's one of those days that I feel the personal gravity of the unremarkable. On the surface, I should be so grateful for what I have, right? I am married, I have 2 beautiful and precious young children, I am able to stay home with my children. And yes, having children is the most blessed thing ever, truly. But the rest, the reality of the rest of the equation, feels anything but.
I haven't made the best choices in my life. For example, I blew off fully paid tuition (by a now deceased grandfather) in the mid-90's in favor of social life and restaurant work. Even though, somehow, other kids I worked with were getting it done, I just couldn't pull it together and suck it up, so I dropped out. I moved to a new state with friends only to continue working as a waitress and party even more. College was an afterthought. I got married in Vegas in 1999 at age 23 after dating my husband for 5 months. I started a real job in the booming telecom industry and then the bubble burst...after we had built a new house. I started a new job that was relaxed and leisurely, but I was too afraid to take on full time college hours so I went part time. Then I had babies, three years flew by, and I suddenly even though I feel like it's still 2003, I am not in my twenties anymore.
I think I am making progress now, but it's all catch up. Here I am, 32, no college degree, not having worked in 3 years, totally financially dependent on a husband. How much longer? How many more unremarkable days/months/years/decades? When will "my" time come?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Just some thoughts in response. Being grateful does not in any way negate continuing to want bigger/better/other things in life. I think it's less important to focus on the negative side of bad choices made in the past, and instead focus in on how those choices brought about positive changes in your life and left you with a series of great stories to retell. A degree is important...sure...it makes you more marketable and speaks to your intelligence and dedication...but...and this is a big but here...the real living you do and the depth you bring to your own life and your childrens' is what divides you from the rest.
At any rate, keep up the good work!
oh thanks. I just worry about being a complainer. I should have added that some hormonal shifts were going on the day I wrote this! so back to thinking "I rule!"
Yup! You rule! And as far as I'm concerned...your not complaing to much!
Post a Comment