Nart-bad experience, good story

In April of 1998, I was 22. I met a guy in the club scene and thought he was incredibly unique, different than anyone I had ever met and at the time, the most intellectual man I ever knew romantically. He seemed perfect for me, he even had a distaste for major professional sports. I will call him Nart (short for Narcissist Artist, or maybe Not Art, they both work). We fell for each other fast, but not in a graceful way. We met at a club, we went to bed too quickly and we never really went on a first date. Then he fell out of love just as fast, but he kept hanging on to me too, even though he quickly stopped saying, "I love you." We had never established a strong commitment, but he did not want to break up, so I pretended I was okay with continuing to see him in whatever way he let me in. I let other guys have my number again and maybe take me on one date now and then, but it was fraudulent...as most of the time, I was just waiting for Nart to call back. Nart always did call and show up on my doorstep just enough to keep me locked in, I saw him about once a week at least for several more months. BTW, neither of us had cell phones at this time. He did not like me dating other guys, but he would not ask me for exclusivity either. He claimed he was busy with work and otherwise just the usual philosophizing about existentialism. I fell for it, though I was honest about continuing to see other guys and assumed he was being honest as well in his claim that he was not seeing anyone, that all of his time was spent on work. Trouble was, even though I met some great guys, my wasted heart just wouldn't let me actually be interested in any one else but Nart anyway. So I kept busy, but my head was wrapped around Nart all the way through the first week in Dec. I had also gone from weighing about 103 to 93 lbs. I couldn't sleep at night. I was anxious all the time. I was becoming alienated from friends and often choosing to stay home alone rather than go out.

Then one day, Nart came over late at night in an odd mood, spoke of his regret and feelings for me and made plans to hang out with me later that week. This wasn't unusual, he would give me a similar spiel about once a month. I became hopeful that he was coming back around to desiring me as a real girlfriend (there was a reason he was giving me hope at this certain moment, explanation at the end). But I was growing weary of this routine, I wanted to believe him, but previous behavior indicated to me that he would be back to being distant within a week. At this point, I did not care about dignity. I just wanted a straight answer.

On the evening we had plans, he had not called all day. So I called him at work before close, he didn't answer. Within minutes, "he" called back from work (proved by caller id), I answered, but was hung up on. Because he did not call back immediately after he must have "accidentally" hung up, I called again and no answer. Minutes later, same thing, he called back but hung up on me upon answer. This act was repeated several times and though my intuition was screaming otherwise, I told myself that something must be wrong with his office phone equipment. Then the phones were silent for a while, he stopped calling and hanging up on me, and I certainly wasn't dialing his office. Obviously, I had tried his home as well. So after time had passed (or enough time to drive home) his home number called me and hung up when I answered. A few more back and forth phone calls continued and by this point I knew it was deliberate and I knew the relationship was over. I did not bother leaving a message asking "Why the F*$# do you keep calling me and hanging up when I answer?" This might have changed the dynamic of what was happening because what I didn't know was that he had no idea what was going on, all he knew was that I kept calling over and over for no reason.

I totally gave up on this mystery around bedtime. I desperately wanted an explanation, but he wasn't answering my calls and I was so angry at him for mocking me/prank calling/whatever that I went to bed in furious tears. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I had a feeling of closure, like I knew I wasn't going to be hanging on to this creep much longer, if for no other reason than because this was just over-the-top cruelty!

Within the hour, the phone rang and a "wireless caller" was on my caller id. I answered and a girl started talking really fast. She sounded angry, but blurted out sarcastically, "Hello Andrea, I just left Nart's, so you can call him now!" and she promptly hung up before I could say a word. I had no idea who she was, so I wasn't really embarrassed if she thought I was a psycho caller.

So I did call him. As I dialed, I was thinking this might be the very last time. He answered right away and he sounded annoyed. He did not want to talk, said he had been busy and was very tired now, but he did make it clear that he thought it was ridiculous that I had called so many times! When I told him a girl had just called me and told me she had just left his place, he claimed it must have been Beady, his friend (whom I knew of), who had been over to talk because she was having problems with her boyfriend...though he sounded suddenly shaken. In complete astoundment at his audacity to be annoyed by my "unwarranted" phone calls, I asked him why then did he keep f$#*ing calling me and hanging up? He began to deny this, but I quickly referred to my caller id as undeniable proof that he called from both work and home. Suddently he fell silent, realizing that if he said another word, he was exposed. Immediately, he wanted nothing more than to get off the phone and go to bed, he was extremely tired, was in a bad mood and had to go. So I let him without a protest. I still had no idea what had gone on, I just knew that this was enough evidence that he didn't like me anymore, did not respect me, did not even pretend to care about my feelings and I my emotions were spent with him. I promised myself I would never call him again and I would never again be in this situation with any man.

The next day at work, I filled out Christmas cards. I decided to sent one to Nart with a quick note inside, detailing my decision to effectively end the relationship. I actually apologized for giving him grief over being committed to me, but I also frankly told him that I was not equipped for this kind of a relationship and that I was ending it and would not call him anymore. I believe I even asked that he respectfully leave me alone as well. It was a good note, I was symbolically forgiving him for stringing me along for so many months and acknowledging that I had finally found the strength to let go. He did not deserve this kindness.

No sooner had I put the card in the mailbox after work, that the wireless caller showed up on my caller id again just as I was about to leave for my 2nd job, waitressing at Outback. She introduced herself, I will call her "Julie Gianni," as she acts much like the Vanilla Sky character. So immediately, I recognized that she was not Nart's friend, Beady, after all. Julie said she 19, an exotic dancer, and was Nart's GF (in a mutually committed relationship) of 3 months. She admitted that it was she who had been with Nart the evening before (she met up with him at his office and followed to his apartment as well) and that she had called my number behind his back while she was with him because she knew that I would react by calling back. She wanted to see what he would do when I called numerous times. She got in a fight with him because he wouldn't just answer my call and tell me he was with his GF, stop calling, etc. He had claimed to her that I was his psycho-ex and he didn't want to answer. So there was my story. I told her that he had stayed the night at my house only 3 days before but that I was done with him, indicated in a letter I had just sent. She said she had suspected something, as 3 days before, the two had been in a big fight and she had threatened to break up with him, then left, then she did not know where he was that night. I told her I was done with him and I was never calling him again. She claimed that she was done with him as well. I really didn't care if she was or wasn't, though I was thankful that she had called me back and explained since I never would have gotten such a disclosure from Nart.

Julie and I kept in touch intermittantly over the years. I don't know if this was good or bad, but I will refer to her whole other story later.

OMG, right?