The Catalyst

This weekend was a lesson in humility. Perhaps I shouldn't be reading into it so much, but I feel like I have been getting subtle signs for a long time and because I ignored them, this finally happened.

For SIX weeks, I had planned with some of my friends to have a nice dinner out in the city. Before I picked the location, I simply picked the date and had asked my friends if a steak dinner would be a good idea. Everyone expressed interest and said they would go, my closest friend even helped me pick a restaurant. I picked a nice new restaurant with some trendy items on the menu and let everyone know the choice three weeks ago. At the time, the headcount was around 12-15, so I made a reservation. I had invited people from the same general circle who are mainly transplants from my hometown of Tulsa and this was to be a fun reunion of sorts, as some of them hadn't seen each other in several years. The list included, my close local girlfriends and their S.O.'s, my former roommate (male) and his friends from work whom I have known for years, and two girls who I have known for years through a mutual friend in Tulsa. These two have lived here for some time now and for some reason I had not yet befriended them. Shyness and self-absorption and distractability, I suspect.

Three days prior, I got a text message from one of my friends, exclaiming that she was really looking forward to it. The male former roommate also confirmed that he was bringing two of his friends. DH wasn't going to make it, for reasons I will go over shortly.

But by Saturday midday, my phone wasn't ringing. I texted the aforementioned friend to see if she wanted to carpool, since I would be going without DH. She responded that she was sick with the flu. I had a bad feeling about other guests, so I went ahead and called the restaurant to cut the reservation by half. I texted the male roommate, and he finally told me that the other two guys didn't want to go after all, so he was flaking out too, two hours before the reservation. Finally, the original person who I had made these plans with flaked out on me as well, saying that if it wasn't going to be a big party, then she and her S.O. didn't feel like going all out. She offered to grill out at her house. But I hadn't planned six weeks to just go to her house and sit on the patio. I wanted to go out, and I wasn't going to beg her and her guy to take me out somewhere, SO I cancelled the reservation and let the two girls who were still planning to go, know. I barely know these girls and they don't really know each other, so I didn't want to drag them down with me to the city just to have an expensive dinner with no reunion of old friends.

Both of those girls, L and S, called me after receiving my cancel text and were so nice to me! One even offered to just come up to my house and hang out, she was still up for doing something even if it was just me. But at this point I was so stressed and humiliated that I had already given up on the night entirely. I was hungry for the leftover Chick-Fil-A salad in the fridge and I wanted to just take off my makeup and crumple up into a loser ball.

DH was sympathetic, though it felt shallow because earlier he had sorely mistreated me. Plus he is constantly referring to my lack of friends compared to his wealth of them, indicating how superior he is to me. So this whole letdown was just more ammo for him to bring up when he wants to hurt me later, plus it was embarrassing. I suddenly felt stupid for thinking that 11 people would want to go to a fancy dinner with me just because I planned it. My ego was crushed.

Back to the signs part. For years, I have had this nagging feeling that I needed to cut out or cut back on some friendships. Stop living in the past and envisioning myself surrounded by a wealth of friends, sitting in some late night diner downtown in the 1990's. Sure I am still in touch with those who are still local, and due to time invested, they will be around now and then for a long while. But they are not what they were, time has changed things and they have moved on with their lives and I with mine. Or have I? I got married and had kids, each circumstance brought delays in social life, but I always considered this crowd to be mine as if I could just pick up after 3,6,9 years and everyone would still be down for dinner. BTW...they are for the most part, unmarried and in their upper thirties, without kids, so whatever it is keeping them from a social life with me is unknown to me, as kids and family have been really the only thing keeping me from them. The male roommate who finally cancelled actually referred to how pricey he had been told the restaurant was and joked that I could have planned something at Cracker Barrel in the suburbs. I made a mental note, and yes, I probably will try to meet him for supper somewhere like that if I ever plan anything with him in the future. But that's not worth hiring a babysitter, I would just bring them along if that's the case. I was insulted that he mentioned his problem with the restaurant choice with 2 hours to go. Why couldn't he have brought this up three weeks ago?

I believe, this night is to be the catalyst for change. The moment when I really give up on nurturing friendships that aren't doing me any good, the moment when I become a better friend to someone new. I am still baffled why I hadn't already befriended the two girls, L and S, who are both 39 years old, once I would have considered too much older than I, even though they look 29. Inviting them had truly been an afterthought, I figured since they were single, and since a few single guy friends of ours would be there, inviting them would help balance the mix. But I am so glad I made the gesture. I had such a pleasant conversation with L on Saturday, she wants to make plans to have a smaller girls night out later this Spring. She even mentioned that she had always heard that "that" crowd was a little flaky, so that's why she was never that close to them. I feel like I have made a new friend. Maybe one to replace another I have lost.

The reason for DH not planning to go to dinner with me was twofold. First, he didn't want to hire a new babysitter for the boys, his mother wasn't available to watch them, nor was their former caregiver who is also my neighbor, therefore, DH opted to stay home with them and let me go. I was disappointed, but it wasn't stopping me from going. But then, secondly, last week, my youngest broke his leg and is now in a spica cast. Even if I had been able to hire a new babysitter, DH and I wouldn't have trusted someone else to properly care for the cast while diapering, so DH would have stayed home anyway.

Thinking about the weekend exhausts me. I am already so tired. I am behind in my studies, now further behind due to my son's leg break and considering dropping one of my electives.

My envision for the weekend was completely all in my head. I won't be doing this again, with these friends. Hopefully, they will try to make plans with me individually in the future, but I am not going to be holding my breath and waiting for their call. It's time to move on, nurture new friendships, stop being so "loyal" to people who probably aren't even thinking of me and find a different crowd.

I have to make note, I do have a handful of close friendships with people who mean much more to me than the majority of my local friends. Unfortunately, they are scattered throughout the country, one in L.A., one in Chicago, and a few in Tulsa.

Someday, this is all going to be better. Too bad it seems to move at geologic time, a time when I both want faster change in my life and slower change from my children, who are growing faster than I am evolving.

The Eyes Room

Last Christmas, my older son received a "Cars" movie Lightning McQueen television and dvd player. It's very cute. When it is idle, the eyes roll around the screen:

My son was two at the time and he was initially frightened by the eyes. He was barely speaking clearly at the time, it took us a while to recognize that he wasn't saying "ice!" We put the tv in the spare bedroom and although he was over his fear of the rolling eyes within a few days, the room has been known as the "Eyes Room" ever since.

Nobody to go have drinks with!

I just finished my last final exam this semester! Because I do not have anybody to go grab a drink and celebrate with, on the way home from class, I returned a phone call from my best local friend. She was inviting me to join her later this week at a free encore screening of the new independent movie, "Juno." Okay, could the timing of this invitation be any more perfect? I have not had nearly enough girltime this season.

Saturday, I attended an "annual" Christmas party with DH, thrown by his best friends from HS. The last party was two years ago, so this reunion of sorts was long overdue. As I predicted, I did smoke too many cigarettes and drank too much; three pomegranate martini's. I think I talked everyone's ear off, accidentally insulted the host by wanting to share with her my interests in recycling, provoked confusion upon trying to explain why it's not tobacco that's so bad, it's all the chemicals added in...ah...the "shut up Andrea" switch just never works anymore. I was literally known as this silent girl all through my school years and I don't know what happened and why I became such a chatster. I did have some awesome and meaningful convo with a Russian immigrant and fellow SAHM I met, I need to contact the host to get her contact info! I need friends.

Sunday, I nursed a mean hangover and tried to study for finals, but...it didn't go too well and I took a long nap while the DH and the kids were out shopping and dining without me.

Now to write that wishlist!

Return to leisure within reach

By this time next week, I will be done with this semester. I am going to really miss my classmates in this intensive enviro sci class I am in. Two of them signed up to take a Geology class next semester, so I registered for the same class. I have really hated all the busywork required in this class. I have certainly learned a lot, but at this point, I actually do not care to learn a lot. I would rather just learn enough to get the credit and move on, school seems like it is just taking forever. The classmates I have gotten to know are in their mid-twenties and are all either married, divorced, or in a relationship. Only one of them has children, but not as young as mine are. Unlike my classmates, I am never in a hurry for class to end. I don't mind when the professor takes up the entire 3 hour class period. I only have home to return to...the same place I am stuck all day. School is my social life.

But I do have a Christmas party to look forward to this Saturday! And the weather is supposed to be mild, with lows in the mid-60's. This means I will probably be hanging out on the porch smoking cigarettes with the girls. I smoked from age 15-22, mostly on weekends and while drinking. I "quit" around the time I moved to Dallas, though I would occasionally "bum" from smokers if I happened to be around them, because the majority of my friends then weren't smokers. It was easy to quit, I was never addicted in the classic way. I think I never really smoked enough to become addicted. If I didn't have weekend plans, a pack used to last me a week or more. But...I do miss smoking (boo!! hiss!!). I am not afraid to admit it. It feels good (the nicotine, not the smoke in the lungs) and it just makes things seem cooler and laid back. I just wish that big tobacco companies would quit putting so many ridiculous chemicals in their cigarettes. WTF is cyanide in there? I am not enough of a smoker, or a tobacco conoisseur, to purchase organic cigarettes, if such a thing is easily available somewhere. That would be nice though, wouldn't it? Anyway. This home Christmas party is always a good time, I can't wait. So worth missing out on some studying time. I hope to kick out the boys on Sunday so I can "geek-out" (thanks AJ) on homework all alone and get this material down.

I noticed this while working on a group research project last week. Two spaces after each sentence is no longer the standard according to the MLA. 2 of 4 of us in the research group type two spaces after our sentences. MLA guidelines say that either is okay, it depends on the professor. Apparently the two space rule applied to typewriter use. Since everyone uses electronic software that automatically adjusts paragraph spacing now, it is no longer necessary. Okay, I didn't get the memo. So any suggestions about how to get myself out of the reflexive habit?!?! I feel like I sound old complaining about this. The other person in my class who types two spaces is only 22, so I didn't feel so bad after knowing that it wasn't just me. Apparently, she must have been taught by an old school professor. Oh, these little obsessions. We got an A BTW. AJ and I stayed up until 4AM working on the project via Yahoo IM. I never do that. If not for AJ's obsession for perfection, I would have wrapped it up by at least 1AM, I am 7 years older than she is, I know my limits and I can allow myself to say, "it just isn't worth it."

After this semester is over, I plan to blog more, figure out a good agenda for my mini-trip back to Tulsa, plan a pampered chef party that I got suckered into hosting (WTF am I going to invite?), figure out how to make Christmas gift buying easy on myself this year (i.e., as much as I loathe them, it's going to be giftcards galore this year...blame it on school), and finally, I want to finish reading a book I started back in August.

Back to the boredom of all the enviro science I never wanted to know.

Peace!

Thanks on a Black Friday

Thanksgiving at the in-laws was the usual. My apple butter pumpkin pie was a hit, though I noticed it was a bit more sour than the year before. DH planned to hit the doorbusters this morning, but he did not wake up until after 6 AM, so he "missed" a few opportunities on electronics. Instead he shopped through the late morning for good deals on less sought after merch, such as sheets and khaki slacks. DH also upgraded our nearly 3 year old cell phones while he was out, my new one is red and quite pretty. There were no Black Friday deals, today was just a good day to get some tasks accomplished.

I have about 5 assignments due within the next five days and I am stressing out. Unfortunately, I work best under pressure and even though I have very little time this weekend to complete my work, because it is all five days out, I can't seem to wrap my head around it all right now. I can never get in the right mindset until crunch time! I have been this way for my entire life, seriously, I recall procrastinating homework in 2nd grade. I do not know how to change, though I desperately want to. I suspect that there is a prescription drug for this problem, only I am too afraid to ingest any more chemicals than I already do in this chemical soup of a world.

One of my assignments this week is to complete a chemical exposure profile. I have only researched some of the basics so far, shampoo, makeup, toothpaste...and all of the products I use are of moderate risk and contain plenty of chemicals I don't want. That's not even including the ones I don't have a choice about, like second-hand smoke and car exhaust on the road.

lunch break time...and no, it ain't a turkey sandwich.

What is 32

My school semester is coming to an end and I am looking forward to the break. I have been studying some troubling subjects! Genocide in my World Lit class, doom in general in my Environmental Sci class. Some of it is hard to think about, in particular, Armenian Genocide. Gosh.

So I am very ready to buy gifts for my siblings and family, as well as myself. I ordered a cute blue coat and a pair of Rocketdog sneakers online the other day. I haven't bought a new coat in about seven years. Which makes me feel old. grr.

What is 32 anyway? Am I old? Certainly some 32 yr olds look old and woefully unhip. Is this what I am when you strip off the makeup and the minimal amount of fashionable/current wardrobe? I long to be 28 again. That was the year I got pregnant. Now, two children later I truly feel like I have aged 10 years AND like this was the fastest 4 years of my life!

I think I talk about age too much with my classmates in one of my night classes. It's a lab class, so there is a lot of interaction. The 4 I talk to the most are 22, 25, 26. I find myself comparing aspects of my life to theirs in a self-deprecating way and pointing out the difference that 6+ years makes. I can't help it, I try not to do this too much, but it truly amuses me.

I will actually miss my classmates a lot, I doubt they will miss me, because they actually have lives (people who call them up all the time during class, lots of friends, jobs). I don't have much of an adult social life outside of school. DH and I meet up with friends about once every few months, and generally, because he has a ton more local friends than I, it's with his friends anyway. I am so alienated. I know this will change in the future, when my kids are a little older, when I get back into the workforce...but waiting sucks and I am wishing I could capitalize on my age while I am still under 35, if that makes any sense.

Meanwhile, I am very happy this week because my youngest son (16 months old) is FINALLY sleeping through the night. I completely weaned him from nursing last week, amazing to me how weaning just works like a sleep charm for breastfeeding moms. He took a little longer than his older brother did on the sleeping through the night thing, but thankfully, he has always been much easier than his older brother was to soothe back to sleep, so it was really never an issue.

I bought new bras. They are 2 cup sizes smaller than the ones I bought in between pregnancies in 2005. There was no point in following the "check bra size every 6 months" during this time. I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding (I was still nursing my oldest when I became pregnant with the youngest) since late 2003! This is the first time in THREE years that my body has belonged to me completely. Anyway, the difference is amazing, I look completely different in snug clothing now. I cannot wait to buy more new bras.

I am still thinking about blogging about some issues I mentioned before. I thought about the history one for some time and the other night it just spilled out. I have a lot more to dish about Julie G., as one could imagine, so this note will serve as my reminder later.

Peace!

Nart-bad experience, good story

In April of 1998, I was 22. I met a guy in the club scene and thought he was incredibly unique, different than anyone I had ever met and at the time, the most intellectual man I ever knew romantically. He seemed perfect for me, he even had a distaste for major professional sports. I will call him Nart (short for Narcissist Artist, or maybe Not Art, they both work). We fell for each other fast, but not in a graceful way. We met at a club, we went to bed too quickly and we never really went on a first date. Then he fell out of love just as fast, but he kept hanging on to me too, even though he quickly stopped saying, "I love you." We had never established a strong commitment, but he did not want to break up, so I pretended I was okay with continuing to see him in whatever way he let me in. I let other guys have my number again and maybe take me on one date now and then, but it was fraudulent...as most of the time, I was just waiting for Nart to call back. Nart always did call and show up on my doorstep just enough to keep me locked in, I saw him about once a week at least for several more months. BTW, neither of us had cell phones at this time. He did not like me dating other guys, but he would not ask me for exclusivity either. He claimed he was busy with work and otherwise just the usual philosophizing about existentialism. I fell for it, though I was honest about continuing to see other guys and assumed he was being honest as well in his claim that he was not seeing anyone, that all of his time was spent on work. Trouble was, even though I met some great guys, my wasted heart just wouldn't let me actually be interested in any one else but Nart anyway. So I kept busy, but my head was wrapped around Nart all the way through the first week in Dec. I had also gone from weighing about 103 to 93 lbs. I couldn't sleep at night. I was anxious all the time. I was becoming alienated from friends and often choosing to stay home alone rather than go out.

Then one day, Nart came over late at night in an odd mood, spoke of his regret and feelings for me and made plans to hang out with me later that week. This wasn't unusual, he would give me a similar spiel about once a month. I became hopeful that he was coming back around to desiring me as a real girlfriend (there was a reason he was giving me hope at this certain moment, explanation at the end). But I was growing weary of this routine, I wanted to believe him, but previous behavior indicated to me that he would be back to being distant within a week. At this point, I did not care about dignity. I just wanted a straight answer.

On the evening we had plans, he had not called all day. So I called him at work before close, he didn't answer. Within minutes, "he" called back from work (proved by caller id), I answered, but was hung up on. Because he did not call back immediately after he must have "accidentally" hung up, I called again and no answer. Minutes later, same thing, he called back but hung up on me upon answer. This act was repeated several times and though my intuition was screaming otherwise, I told myself that something must be wrong with his office phone equipment. Then the phones were silent for a while, he stopped calling and hanging up on me, and I certainly wasn't dialing his office. Obviously, I had tried his home as well. So after time had passed (or enough time to drive home) his home number called me and hung up when I answered. A few more back and forth phone calls continued and by this point I knew it was deliberate and I knew the relationship was over. I did not bother leaving a message asking "Why the F*$# do you keep calling me and hanging up when I answer?" This might have changed the dynamic of what was happening because what I didn't know was that he had no idea what was going on, all he knew was that I kept calling over and over for no reason.

I totally gave up on this mystery around bedtime. I desperately wanted an explanation, but he wasn't answering my calls and I was so angry at him for mocking me/prank calling/whatever that I went to bed in furious tears. I was confused and hurt, but at the same time, I had a feeling of closure, like I knew I wasn't going to be hanging on to this creep much longer, if for no other reason than because this was just over-the-top cruelty!

Within the hour, the phone rang and a "wireless caller" was on my caller id. I answered and a girl started talking really fast. She sounded angry, but blurted out sarcastically, "Hello Andrea, I just left Nart's, so you can call him now!" and she promptly hung up before I could say a word. I had no idea who she was, so I wasn't really embarrassed if she thought I was a psycho caller.

So I did call him. As I dialed, I was thinking this might be the very last time. He answered right away and he sounded annoyed. He did not want to talk, said he had been busy and was very tired now, but he did make it clear that he thought it was ridiculous that I had called so many times! When I told him a girl had just called me and told me she had just left his place, he claimed it must have been Beady, his friend (whom I knew of), who had been over to talk because she was having problems with her boyfriend...though he sounded suddenly shaken. In complete astoundment at his audacity to be annoyed by my "unwarranted" phone calls, I asked him why then did he keep f$#*ing calling me and hanging up? He began to deny this, but I quickly referred to my caller id as undeniable proof that he called from both work and home. Suddently he fell silent, realizing that if he said another word, he was exposed. Immediately, he wanted nothing more than to get off the phone and go to bed, he was extremely tired, was in a bad mood and had to go. So I let him without a protest. I still had no idea what had gone on, I just knew that this was enough evidence that he didn't like me anymore, did not respect me, did not even pretend to care about my feelings and I my emotions were spent with him. I promised myself I would never call him again and I would never again be in this situation with any man.

The next day at work, I filled out Christmas cards. I decided to sent one to Nart with a quick note inside, detailing my decision to effectively end the relationship. I actually apologized for giving him grief over being committed to me, but I also frankly told him that I was not equipped for this kind of a relationship and that I was ending it and would not call him anymore. I believe I even asked that he respectfully leave me alone as well. It was a good note, I was symbolically forgiving him for stringing me along for so many months and acknowledging that I had finally found the strength to let go. He did not deserve this kindness.

No sooner had I put the card in the mailbox after work, that the wireless caller showed up on my caller id again just as I was about to leave for my 2nd job, waitressing at Outback. She introduced herself, I will call her "Julie Gianni," as she acts much like the Vanilla Sky character. So immediately, I recognized that she was not Nart's friend, Beady, after all. Julie said she 19, an exotic dancer, and was Nart's GF (in a mutually committed relationship) of 3 months. She admitted that it was she who had been with Nart the evening before (she met up with him at his office and followed to his apartment as well) and that she had called my number behind his back while she was with him because she knew that I would react by calling back. She wanted to see what he would do when I called numerous times. She got in a fight with him because he wouldn't just answer my call and tell me he was with his GF, stop calling, etc. He had claimed to her that I was his psycho-ex and he didn't want to answer. So there was my story. I told her that he had stayed the night at my house only 3 days before but that I was done with him, indicated in a letter I had just sent. She said she had suspected something, as 3 days before, the two had been in a big fight and she had threatened to break up with him, then left, then she did not know where he was that night. I told her I was done with him and I was never calling him again. She claimed that she was done with him as well. I really didn't care if she was or wasn't, though I was thankful that she had called me back and explained since I never would have gotten such a disclosure from Nart.

Julie and I kept in touch intermittantly over the years. I don't know if this was good or bad, but I will refer to her whole other story later.

OMG, right?